Former #1 placeholder in Playboy magazine’s renowned Top Party School ranking, UW Madison lays in mourning this weekend over its slip to #6 this year. And like any true hardcore alcoholic, students are taking this as a personal insult.
To get some perspective on the student’s feelings towards the fall in ranks, we talked to UW Stateside resident and notorious douchebag Blake Collins. After waiting while he angrily left a voicemail for his ex-girlfriend on his Blackberry to confirm rumors that she was in fact sleeping with PJ Hill, Collins had a few choice words for the Blue & Yellow.
“Someone isn’t [hecking] doing their [gosh darn] part. Me and my bros been drunk as [poop] since Wednesday but we can’t [hecking] do this alone. [Gee whiz] that floppy [female genitalia] is such a [hag]!”
So in an angered yet completely foreseeable response to the Playboy article, the student body assembled a makeshift, drunken march to the capital late Saturday evening. Credited for starting the rally was a completely inebriated Bucky Badger, beloved mascot and long time binge drinker. Buckingham U. Badger was able to gather a large group of people from Brothers and Church Key through over animated gesticulation, gruff stares and push-ups on the bar.
Their petition? Unknown. Because most were in a highly intoxicated state after barhopping since 5 PM, the majority of the event involved a large amount of unintelligible shouting, chain smoking and public urination. The confused march triumphantly staggered after Bucky up State Street amid avid cries that ranged anywhere from “Down with Doyle!” and “What do we want? Peace! When do we want it? Now!” to the most common “What are we doing again? Are we going to Rams Head?”
The rally never actually made it to the state capital as it lost 90% of its participants to the Taco Bell KFC fast food combination that monopolizes late-night drunken munchies sales on the 500 block of State Street. It then petered out entirely as participants began to sober up and realize they needed to get to another bar before 2 AM.
Since the rally was not planned but ended peacefully, Bucky Badger was merely ticketed for its instigation as well as for public intoxication and was last seen passed out in the large chair on the Terrace. One member from the event was later located and asked their thoughts on taking part in the rally, but upon hearing the question merely responded, “I did WHAT last night?”
To sum up, was the march memorable? No. Was it effective? Probably not. But that will not deter the student body in its quest to claim the #1 spot once again.
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