Avid Reality TV Fan Brett Favre Admits To Messing With The Media For His Own Entertainment

Wolverine isn't the only guy with an adimantium skeleton making some noise this summer. As you know by now, the annual decision making media circus on the status of Brett Favre's playing career is well under way. Save the details, you could basically say the gunslinger has been taking advice from John Kerry and having his breakfasts at the local Waffle House.

"Oh, am I going to retire? Yeah, probably about time to hang 'em up. But really, I could play, maybe I'll come back. Yeah! I'll come back! But then again, no, I probably shouldn't come back. But maybe I'll leave the door open a crack, or maybe all the way. Who knows," said a grinning Brett Favre in the basement of his Mississippi home.

Sure, reporters always ask that same question about retirement, yes or no, and they get a variety of answers depending upon the day. But the more important question asked to Favre that never had been asked to him before is "Why?". Well, that answer is more simple than you would think. Two words: Reality Television.

Had Brett Favre not been in the NFL and if the show was still semi-relevant, Favre admits he would have been a contestant on Survivor. Favre also was a huge fan of The Mole, The Amazing Race, American Chopper, The Real Gilligan's Island, Temptation Island, The Contender, and even Little People Big World to name a few. Favre never passed up the opportunity to catch a reality show and he said the thrill of the human experience always kept him captivated.

Citing a lack of quality reality TV beginning with a decline around late 2005, early 2006, Favre said he's had to get a little creative to get his reality TV fix. While some of the more popular shows keep churning out the same, overdone, watered down productions they've used in the past, others are completely wrong and think they can improve with an influx of Bret Michaels appearances. Favre admits watching reporters stumble around and attempt to cover what he's doing is, "Pretty damn entertaining." He says he can say something to the local newspaper in Mississippi and a couple hours later they are running around at ESPN like people in a Japanese disaster movie. "Hell, they might even make a story if I go decide to ride a tractor. Or if I'm throwing the ball around in the yard they'll say 'football legend practicing for comeback', its hilarious." Favre also admitted, "Any time you have the opportunity to do something just because you can, you should do it, like me messing with the media, just because I can."

Meanwhile at ESPN Headquarters, Bristol, CT:

"My God! Favre is coming back! What do we do? Ahhhh!"
"No he's not coming back, we were all wrong!"
"Ahhhh, if he's not coming back why did he send x-rays to the Vikings?"
"We're all gonna die!!!!"

One member of the media in particular does not appreciate Favre playing these games. Broadcaster John Madden retired this offseason on the anticipation that Favre would be gone. "The game of football will not be the same without Brett Favre, therefore I must resign from my Sunday Night Football post and drive the Maddencruiser around the country, eating multiple turduckens per day for all eternity. Brett Favre," said Madden upon retiring.

"Its not fair that he gets to go around and play all these games with people's hearts like that," added an emotional Madden, speaking in a press conference at the Pro Football Hall of Fame (right), "You know, the guy who throws the football into the endzone best is going to be the best quarterback, so Brett Favre is the best quarterback because he throws the ball into the endzone the best. That's why he should always come back. Because I, I mean, we Americans love to see Brett Favre play the game of football. But there's no reason he should trick us. If he un-retires again, then people like me are going to un-retire, and so on. It makes things kind of difficult. Brett Favre."

If Madden were to un-retire as well, his options are limited. He could save us from the mute button waiting to happen that is Chris Collinsworth at his old position on SNF, or he could choose another route and be the color man for Vikings broadcasts, potentially allowing him to spend 16 whole games with Favre (assuming Favre eventually un-retires and signs with Minnesota.) Whatever happens, we are sure it will be complete chaos and nothing less than spectacular. So here's to you Brett Favre, way to stick it to the media and give yourself a free source of good old American reality television.

Feminist Organization Attacks United States Postal Service

The feminist organization Females Attributing Tolerances Across Languages (F.A.T.A.L) has recently lashed out at the United States Postal Service (USPS) after accusations that the federal agency's long standing use of sexist jargon will no longer be tolerated in America. FATAL spokesperson Debbie O'Donnell (a single, 40-year-old woman, who has many female friends and hasn't dated since she went with a cousin to her high-school prom) had this to say: "We refuse to be bombarded with sexists words in our everyday lives any longer. We demand that the USPS change their term for postage from "mail" to "sender to sender analog-style communication." Otherwise, we simply stand by while the dominating males of our country use their own sex title to hold us women down!" FATAL also suggested a possibility of changing mail to "mail or femail" in order to maintain popular social standards. Apparently, these women are really pissed off, organized, and don't have full time jobs. Unfortunately for the USPS, FATAL is threatening to bring this case to the supreme court and one thing is for sure. Those women will sure show those chauvinistic sexist males of the USPS that complaining about trivial details is sure to accomplish nothing of any significance. The B&Y will continue to keep you posted as this story progresses.

Enberg's Graduation Speech Thrills Hundreds; Only 42 Fall Asleep

Students, faculty, family, and other interesting characters were on hand for Marquette University's Commencement ceremony this morning at the Bradley Center, and the ceremony did not disappoint. The Bradley Center was packed to the rafters by the 9:30 AM start, and when graduates started walking onto the floor by 9:34, there was an eruption of applause. Whether the loud applause was for the fact that a university function started only four minutes late or if it was to congratulate the graduates is irrelevant, because the place was rocking. Despite one senior's attempt to blast 'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC over the sound system, graduates marching out to the tune of 'Pomp and Circumstance' and the applause of the audience filled the room with a fantastic atmosphere.

Three drunken basketball fans appeared to be lost and when they started heckling College of Communication graduates and throwing things from the upper deck, telling them to "Get some real degrees and make some free throws for once!" Security promptly tazed them and removed them from the facility.


These guys were pretty bad. They even had the wrong color.

The ceremony went off without a hitch as degrees were awarded to the class of 2009 in a variety of fields. Longtime broadcaster and owner of "the voice", Dick Enberg, 74, provided the Commencement Speech and told a captivating story about how he knew Al McGuire. Several juniors in attendance brought a case of beer and shotgunned one every time Enberg mentioned McGuire, so needless to say they were pretty hammered by the end of the speech. Marquette basketball fans were thrilled with Enberg's tales of the legendary coach, but people who did not know of McGuire were quite confused about the speech's relevance. Several audience members were put into a light sleep while listening to Enberg's grandfather-esque, soothing voice.

A father of a graduate then made a side comment to his wife saying, "Al McGuire wasn't even that good of a coach, its not like he was Bobby Knight or anything." Security also tazed this man and sent him out on the streets where he met up with the three drunken hecklers, and the four of them went to Turner Hall for a pitcher of Miller Lite.

Meanwhile, Enberg managed to wrap his speech up in a very positive and uplifting manner. He told graduates of how they should always say "thank you" and live their lives to the fullest because they had many more dreams to achieve. Somewhere in there was a remark about how C+ students rule the world, so many underachievers stopped zoning out when they heard that and began to think big. Only God can help us now.

As degrees were awarded, graduates went buck wild with silly string, a variety of noisemakers, and stink bombs. In their craziness, the friends and family members of graduates looked down and smiled upon the new class of 2009 and relished in their happiness. Everyone in attendance pretended to know the words to the 'Alma Mater' and swayed to its tune as the ceremony wrapped up.


Parents from the upper deck:
"Which one is she?"
"Oh, I think she's the one with the square hat."

After the ceremony, only 27 cars rammed into each other upon everyone leaving the Bradley Center at once and MPD considered that to be a success and a model of traffic management for years to come. Marquette is reporting that they made approximately $1.4 million off of concession and ticket sales for the event and that money will go towards "something or another" according to the administration. University President Robert A. Wild will be putting together an exploratory committee to search for more people who once knew Al McGuire so they can speak at next year's graduation.


Total chaos on State Street after the ceremony. This doesn't even show the half of it because people hadn't gotten to their cars yet.

'We Are Marquette' Movie To Be Filmed

In order to boost university moral and create "an extreme togetherness and brotherhood" that will unite all undergraduates, graduates, faculty, administration, Jimmy John's delivery drivers, and that guy at the bus stop, the office of student development has commissioned a task force with one ultimate goal: to create a Marquette themed movie.

This film is rumored to be a multi-million dollar summer blockbuster that everyone will enjoy and is supposedly packed with non-stop action, humor, drama, and everything else you could ever want.

After exams were completed, several OSD staff members were locked in a conference room in the basement of Mashuda Hall and were told that they couldn't leave until they came up with "The best movie idea ever. Like even better than Armageddon." Sleepless nights were spent tossing around ideas and paper airplanes, but finally the task force was able to nail down a good foundation for this cinematic masterpiece.

"The first weekend was hard. There we were, idea less, and building mountain dew can pyramids on top of pizza boxes," explained Jim Harvey, Marquette Movie Task Force Leader, "But then it hit me, our slogan, 'We Are Marquette', lets do something with that."

The light bulb was illuminated in the rest of the task force and they began rolling with the 'We Are Marquette' idea and coming up with some great stuff. Obviously, the protagonist of the story was determined to be Dwayne Wade. The role of Wade was originally offered to Samuel L. Jackson, and then Don Cheadle, but both were rumored to be busy laying on their couch this summer. Dwayne Wade announced he was interested in playing himself and was immediately signed to a ridiculous contract.

The next mission was to give Wade a sidekick. They knew that this sidekick had to be awesome at both fighting and blowing stuff up. After Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Jackie Chan were considered, the task force finally settled on Steven Seagal (right, with shotgun), citing him as the most definite badass of American 90's B-movies, therefore perfect for the role of Dwayne Wade's awesome sidekick.

OSD was careful not to give away too much information about the highly secret plot, but mentioned it has something to do with the Marquette Men's Basketball team all dying in a plane crash, followed by new head coach Dwayne Wade and new assistant coach Steven Seagal leading a group of Jonah Hill look-alike scrubs from the Rec Center all the way to the NCAA Tournament. However, not many of the task force members could be sure about these details once Guy Ritchie was brought on to direct the film and he made the plot very confusing, much harder to follow, and not the least bit entertaining. But don't worry, it appears there are chants of 'We Are Marquette' galore, car chases on Wisconsin Avenue, explosions in Raynor Library, and numerous scenes of Seagal fighting Nazis.


Seagal: "Henchmen with a mustache and a baseball bat? Is that the best you can do. Weak."

Student reaction to this mega blockbuster has been good so far. Since most students already left campus for it to dry up, we were lucky enough to find one student willing to give an interview. Freshman turning Sophomore Jodi Hansen was walking past the Varsity Theater and was lost and looking for a ride home but she stopped to give us a few words. "Wow. That sounds really cool. I love Dwayne Wade, he's cute. Who is Steven Seagal? I think they should put in Orlando Bloom! Tee hee, he's cute too. Oh my God that sounds like a scary story though I hope everyone is okay! See ya later I gotta go find my stuff, and a ride."

The movie will be filmed on location at Marquette and in Milwaukee, bringing revenue into the city that probably only the mob bosses will benefit from. The movie is also expected to be complete to watch on the lawn in the evening after the first day of school in the fall, but only if there were enough prepositional phrases in the previous sentence for you. WE ARE MARQUETTE (if you haven't already heard that enough)!!!1

Things To Do In Summer

Trust me, the b&Y wouldn't let you leave the fine (and freshly sodded) campus of Marquette without informing you and helping you find plenty of stuff to do in the long break that some like to call "summer". Others call it "incredible boredom" or "ragetastic drinkfest" or even "vacacion de el verano!". Regardless of what you call it, having a plan for yourself and your activities is essential and the b&Y will give you tips and even a potential road map on how to get to the ever-so-elusive summer paradise.

We know some of you already got kicked out of the dorms and were forced to head back to Kane County, the home of the "cougars", or whatever respective county your from. But others of you are hanging around here waiting for your landlord to kick you out of your apartment at the end of your lease. It doesn't matter where you are, as long as your north of the border and out of the drug war, because our tips our foolproof despite your region. Things to do, here we go!

1. Get A Job - You might think getting a job is hard. False. All you have to do is show up somewhere without being hired. Walk down to the boat dock in Milwaukee and start tying some knots. If a rich guy doesn't throw a couple dollars at you then you're obviously not cut out for pretending to do manual labor and you gotta go somewhere else. Try walking into one of the dorms and taking something apart, then turn a time card into the Office of Residence Life. If they catch you, hopefully you found something a freshman forgot in their dorm and you can sell it on Craigslist to make up for the paycheck you're not getting. If you're at home, there's no shortage of big box stores and conglomerates you can pretend to work for. Make yourself noticed by offering sweet new slogans to the marketing department. Get crazy, start overhauling the stores, you're only going to get noticed with crazy antics and major changes. How else do you think Michael Scott got a job as a regional manager?


We've Got Wood? The Home Depot will increase its sales by 500% after your ideas for sweet new slogans.

2. Don't get a job. Jobs really don't float people's boats sometimes. It has been proven by a recent b&Y survey that having a job significantly decreases people's fun. Think of how many hard drugs you can take without all those pesky drug tests and early morning work shifts. You're most likely going to be locked in a light-less warehouse with Scooby Stub Arms and Kenny the High School Dropout unloading a truck and making minimum wage. Although you might be able to turn this experience into a hilarious motion picture later in your life, it might not be worth it because you're summer is valuable. Remember, you only get so many (unless you decide to become a super senior, then you get a bonus one!)

3. Write on a newspaper/blog. You know you want to, and we'll hire you! Because if I choose to do either option #1 or option #2, this won't give me a lot of time. We might not be able to offer much compensation, unless you like Keystone Light. We have plenty of that. So come around and participate in the everlasting search for the Keystolope (because who doesn't like looking for a prize that doesn't actually do anything?) Please send in your application on a grease stained crumpled up piece of paper with illegible handwriting, that aught to work just fine.

These are the only things we can give you suggestions on right now. Weak, right? Yeah, I know. But keep reading this blog for tips four through one thousand and thirty-seven, they will be good. I guess this just only whets your appetite and will make you come back for more, because we're that good. Look for TDIS over the course of the summer! The ongoing series will be updated weekly (or whenever the hell we want) just for you, so enjoy!

Student Writes "BRB" On Car To Avoid Parking Ticket, Cops Respond With Ticket Saying "WTF?!?"

Late Friday afternoon, Sheila Anderson came back from working a short shift downtown at Pick-And-Save and parked her 1987 Chrysler LeBaron in front of her residence at 855 N. 15th Street. Fully aware that the 800 block of 15th street is designated as a 2 hour parking zone, Sheila thought she could outsmart Milwaukee Parking Enforcement by scribbling “BRB” on a crumpled up sheet of paper and then taping it to her driver's side window.

“I was tired, I really didn’t feel like parking north of State Street. Not only is it totally sketch, but it takes too much time to walk that extra block, especially when you’ve been on your feet at work.”

We at the blue and YELLOW agree, walking one block officially sucks. Our condolences go out to the folks in Mashuda Hall, may your treks to campus be filled with happy thoughts to keep your mind off all that stress the hike creates.

Despite our agreements and condolences, Milwaukee Parking Enforcement does not feel the same way. An anonymous MPE spokesman had this to say, “We don’t agree with your stance, but we will fight to the death for your right to have that stance. Wait a minute, no we won’t. You’re on your own.”

MPE officially began to pursue action when the officer on duty realized Anderson’s LeBaron was parked in the same spot for 2 hours and 1.5 minutes. Quickly, the officer inspected the vehicle and noticed the “BRB” sign. He then took the “BRB” sign off of the car and quickly wrote a parking ticket that said “WTF?!?”

Anderson noticed the ticket on Friday night after coming back from an intense night of boozing at Murphy’s. Anderson took the ticket, ripped it into shreds, threw the shreds into the air and tried to kick them on their way down in a drunken rage. Despite breaking the city’s parking laws, Anderson thought the BRB was enough to justify her wrongdoing because she would have eventually been right back to move the car.

The next morning an enraged Anderson sent an angry voicemail to City Hall. Mayor Tom Barrett decided not to red flag this angry message with the Department of Homeland Security and when asked to comment on the message he replied with simply, “LOL!” Barrett decided to then hold a press conference announcing he was officially raising the parking fines to increase city revenue.

Sounding suspicious, I was able to sneak away from the press conference and broke into Mayor Barrett’s office. (I stole a security pass from an intern and then placed a piece of tape over the lock of the door earlier that day.) After a bit of snooping, I found Barrett’s plan to secretly funnel the parking violation revenues into a fund that will go towards building a gold throne. This mayoral throne will be placed above the clock in the top of City Hall’s south tower, where Barrett can look over his domain. After sifting though other boring accounting spreadsheets detailing corrupt money transfers, I finally found the schematics of the plan. A bootleg Microsoft paint drawing of Barrett wearing a gold crown, sitting on his gold throne, and holding a golden sword brought laughter to my heart and tears to my eyes.



I thought to myself, no wonder they write so many parking tickets these days. However, I decided against telling the rest of the press of Barrett’s plans. Mainly because I think it’s a freakin sweet idea and those “uptight press-types” would try to stop him from doing this. Basically just don’t park illegally anymore and you’ll be fine.

Hippie Gets Way Too High, Gains Motivation, Gets a Real Job

26-year-old Neo-Hippie Chris P. Johnston was a simple stoner. He worked at the local Taco Bell, played way too much World of Warcraft, and was ranked 15th nationally in Guitar Hero III. On the weekends, he would enjoy long walks on the beach, a good book, or poetry writing sessions, all super high. However, after one particularily long day of work, Chris got mega-blazed and something odd happened. His girlfriend, Moonbeam Smith-Patrick, says she noticed an immediate change; the intoxicant had an inverse effect on Chris' brain. Chris, obviously too high for his own good, decided to clean up his room. Then his house. Then he sold his skateboard and guitar to buy a suit for job interviews. The bad buds somehow changed the chemistry of Chris' brain so much that he gained a god-like motivation to improve his situation. Within two weeks of the incident, Mr. Johnston was clean cut, dressed to kill, and on track for three potential salaried jobs on the east side of Milwaukee, with more interviews lined up. Johnston himself could not be reached for a proper interview, saying that he has much more important things to do. The Blue and Yellow just wants to say to Chris, "Go get 'em kid." Just don't start an underground newspaper that is better than ours.

Finals Week III

Cubs Fan Walks Into Differential Equations Exam, Looks At Test, Then Promptly Leaves Saying, "Maybe Next Year."

There's really not much more of a story to go along with this headline. I could do it, but I'm tired. Good news is I'll leave it up to your imagination, because FINAL EXAMS ARE OVER!!! Well, unless you have a Friday 3:30, in which case we're all contemplating how you are still alive at this point. I guess God only knows and the b&Y wishes you the best of luck!

Now, the real question is, will we be posting over summer? You'll just have to check back and look now won't ya? In the meantime...RAGE ON MARQUETTE!

Finals Week II

Student Claims To "Live Dangerously", Eats Cafeteria Ground Beef Before Finals

Eric Morrow, a freshman in the College of Health Sciences, is a fan of living dangerously. Every time Morrow makes a decision, he thinks, "what is the riskiest move I can make here." He feeds off of adrenaline constantly, and now, he's also feeding on...ground beef?

Morrow lists "living dangerously" as his first Facebook interest and he's out to prove it. Nobody or nothing will stop him of achieving this goal. He claims that in his freshman year alone, he has repelled off of the 16th street parking structure, bungee jumped off the Hoan Bridge, and swam in the nearly frozen and highly polluted Milwaukee River. He also claims he could list even more stunts but the interview would have taken forever and he may or may not be arrested.

Regardless, his new challenge many thought was nearly impossible, eat ground beef from a Marquette cafeteria right before his Chemistry final. But then he proved it was possible. Morrow's huge risk went off on Thursday without a hitch. Morrow is now calling for everyone to do the same, take a risk! The only question is: do you feel lucky?

Finals Week I

Hey UPS Guy, Your Job Is To Deliver My Book, Not To Judge Me
by Ben Koeller, Noted Slacker

Yeah, so what? I ordered my accounting book a week before the final. Not bad, I've done worse. But when I get that book fresh off amazon.com for ten bucks, I expect the delivery people to be courteous and professional, not smart-ass Adam Sandler wannabes.

"Little late to be getting you book, eh?"

"Little late for you to have already SHUT THE FUCK UP."

I prefer to be vulgar, it gets my point across much better. But seriously, just because I've slept through this class for an hour three days a week (see photo at left) and have done none of the homework assignments is no excuse for you to mouth off to me. I'll pass the class, don't worry about me. Your job is to deliver my book then worry about your other deliveries, not me! I'm a big boy. Save the judging for God when I make it to the pearly gates.

I don't know if this guy was trying to be funny, or even just clever, but my advice to him is say nothing except "hey dude sign this funky little pad thingy" the next time he encounters other late in the year book buyers, because that was the most un-funny thing I've witnessed since I saw The Dukes of Hazzard in theaters.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a nice guy, but I can't stand the feeble attempts at humor. Just because you are an adult this means you have a license to say things in public that aren't funny? WRONG! I was moving out of my dorm last year and some other guys are moving this huge flat screen out of the elevator and some random guy who has never met anyone there in his life before says, "What, did these guys come to school to study or to watch TV?" Then he chuckled to himself. I was so mad I threw a cinder block into the TV then I started strangling this guy like I was Anton Sugar and I shouted, "Don't tell a joke unless its a JOKE! And then make sure its FUNNY! AAAAGHHH!" Then I fled the scene.



Sorry if that was a bit of a rant, or a little off topic, but when the UPS Man judges you for your packages, it gets me a little riled up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to The Bridge and pretend like I'm reading this accounting book I just bought.

Mifflin Street Block Party A Success, Agrees Hiccuping Squirrel

The infamous Mifflin Street Block Party, where "drinking begins earlier than 9:00 in the morning" (Wikipedia), has always been a successful event on the infamously binge-drinking UW Madison campus. It once again went off this year (considerably) without a hitch.

Since many schools (including Marquette) have no 24-hour drunk fest with which to compare, the Blue & Yellow sent a foreign correspondent to get the inside scoop on what a day on Mifflin consists of. Here is the schedule we received:

8:00 AM - Snooze button. Too early.
8:30 AM - Snooze button again. This will be the earliest you have woken on a weekend all semester. Exceptions are made for massive amounts of alcohol.
8:47 AM - Up and in the shower with two cool PBRs. Shower is too hot: nearly pass out.
9:21 AM - Scarf down two muffins to lay a base. Closely followed by five mimosas.
10:04 AM - Arrive at first party. Play four rounds of beer pong. Need to get a good buzz on.
10:38 AM - Decide first party is lame. Steal three shot glasses and leave.
11:03 AM - Arrive on Mifflin. Drop two of three shot glasses. Curse. Must soldier onwards.
11:15 AM - Arrive at second party. Play seven rounds of full-cup flip cup.
11:16 AM - Run to bathroom. Puke and rally.
11:53 AM - Dash up to balcony. Decide to spit on cop. Cheered and pointed at.
11:53:29 AM - Cop on balcony asking who did that. Shrug. Slip into crowd.
12:01 PM - Take two tequila swigs from bottle left near gutter on lawn. Wonder if it was the right thing to do.
12:02 PM - Realize said tequila was roofied. Go to lay down.
12:49 PM - Awaken to find roommate slapping face. Something about "YOU CAN'T SLEEP BEHIND PLANNED PARENTHOOD!" Ignore them.
1:19 PM - Awaken to find officer writing citation. Calmly explain why pants have gone missing and squirrel is in shirt pocket.
1:23 PM - Angrily take citation. Tell officer you will find clothes. Ponder how much you can sell a squirrel for on eBay.
1:28 PM - Find large quantity of bubble wrap. Fashion a pair of pants.
1:32 PM - Have lively conversation with Acorn the squirrel about what a jovial good time this is. Acorn avidly hiccups and agrees.
2:25 PM - Finally locate friends but not pants. Reluctantly forced to go home.
2:56 PM - Return home. "Friends" force Acorn to stay outside. Try to show them he is a talking squirrel. Acorn refuses to cooperate. Give up and pass out on couch.
11:09 PM - Wake up to loud pop of bubble wrap to find sharpied penises all over face and arms.
11:09:04 PM - Realize maybe you drink too much.
11:09:09 PM - Rationalize you'll do it again next year. But minus the drinking booze out of the gutter. Too far.

Bum Treasure Map Discovered!

An exciting find announced today by the Urban Archaeological Association (UAA): The first documented Milwaukee Bum Treasure Map was uncovered by Milwaukee Public Museum Archeological Curator Dr. James E. Sullivan. While waiting to get on a crowded bus on his way to work last Friday, Dr. Sullivan noticed something strange poking out from the top of a garbage receptacle on the corner of 21st and State. "I couldn't believe my eye," Sullivan commented, his eyes tearing at the thought, "I had just turned around to yell at a woman who had spit on my new loafers when I saw it, just blowin' in the wind..." Dr. Sullivan then drifted off into a dreamy state of rememberance. The good doctor was able to hold back tears of joy for long enough to describe the actual map. "It appears to be a rather pristine example of Post-World War II Marquette-area bum scrawlings," Sullivan said as he pointed to the seemingly criptyc lettering on the back of the map. "Whoever finds this map will have all his dreams come true." Apparently, Dr. Sullivan had actually mustered up the courage to follow the map, and he languished in its treasure. This is what he did:

1. I just started off at that red rotten apple core, just like it shows on the map, see here?
2. Then I walked about 75 paces east, until I saw my first empty Steel Reserve beer can
3. After that, just as the map says, I went another 100 paces South, and took a left past the second empty Steel Reserve can.
4. After passing the dirty, mostly eaten twinkie, I knew I was close. I could almost taste that treasure...
5. Finally, redemption! I found the bum fountain of youth only a mere 50 blocks from my starting point! I came upon a young businessman in a suit. He was so busy planning for his work day that he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my hand so that I would leave him alone. These bums are right, this really is paradise!

Dr. Sullivan has not been heard from since this interview. He has not shown up at his archaeology position at the museum, and it is believed he has assumed the life of a hermit. Or a bum. either way, it seems as though this man has managed to find true happiness.

Or, to put it more poetically

Dr. Sullivan may only be found...
in bum heaven.

Man Attempts To Install Norton AntiVirus On Self To Prevent Swine Flu

Rabble rabble rabble rabble swine flu rabble rabble. Sick and tired about hearing about the Swine Flu? Tell that to Joe Biden. Then tell that to the dead horse in my backyard that I continually beat with a baseball bat. As for me I prefer Bird Flu, only because I think it sounds funnier.

Despite the nonsense and where it came from, this deadly sickness has reached our fine city of Milwaukee. Many have taken simple precautions such as not riding the bus, not eating at fast food restaurants, or simply locking themselves in their local fallout shelter. (Marquette’s is located in the basement of Schroeder Hall in case you were thinking of doing just that.)

Your city’s finest hypochondriacs, however, are not doing anything close to simple. Meet Jeffrey Williamson, 24 a resident of Library Hill Apartments. Jeffrey washes his hands over 200 times per day with antibacterial soap, a world record. When Jeffrey heard of the swine flu and its presence in Milwaukee, and then add the disease being a virus not a bacteria, he was stricken with fear.

Early Saturday morning, Jeffrey knew it was do or die time. He decided he had to find a way to block the Swine Flu before he died an untimely death. “I searched ‘blocking viruses’ in Google and it was overwhelming how many people said Norton was the way to go. Every forum from everywhere said Norton stops the most amount of viruses, and that was assuring,” said Jeffrey in a brief interview.

Jeffrey quickly downloaded the program off of his computer and stored it on a usb memory stick. He then took the memory stick and began jabbing it into his thigh. Only leaving a few funny shaped imprints and some minor cuts, Jeffrey realized this wasn’t working. He poured himself a stiff drink and began to think it over. “I realized that the USB would never work unless I got some sort of USB syringe, that’s how most vaccinations work. I remembered that you could also take pills to cure stuff, so then I went in a different direction.”

In fact, Jeffrey went in a complete different direction when he drove his car to Best Buy on Mayfair Road and then bought a hard copy of Norton AntiVirus. When Jeffrey got home, he took the CD and ingested it, causing him to almost choke and die, and then causing him to be very ill later. He called 9-1-1 and was transported quickly to Aurora Sinai Medical Complex where doctors ran many tests on their speechless patient.

After these tests, doctors were surprised to learn that Jeffrey had too much metal, plastic, and other harsh chemicals in his system. They also noticed funny shaped markings on his thigh that they have never seen before. The doctors got together and determined Jeffrey was suffering from a huge case of being an idiot and the doctors prepared to treat him accordingly. He will be in the hospital for quite some time, is sharing a room with Antsy Pants Magee, and is expected to make a full recovery.

Jeffrey seemed like he was in good spirits when I visited him today and he even told me a joke. "You know how they always said the expression ‘when pigs fly’?” he asked me, “Well…because…a pig has never been able to fly, right? Next time, just remember before you say it, that Swine Flew.”

People Liking Joakim Noah Causes Distant Planet To Explode

Super-intelligent beings from the millions-of-light-years-away planet of Qwakzal Nine worried about what took place last night for years and years. These beings had inhabited the Earth-like ninth planet of the Qwakzal solar system for thousands of years. Beyond their own planet, this species had brought their influence and dominant presence to many other planets in the universe. They had even brought some of their brilliance to Earth, as Qwakzal Nine is the home planet of James Carville.

Here on Earth, we are a much simpler people. We have drive and motivation to reach the stars but many of us are content with drinking a six pack and shouting at our TV most nights. Caught up in the middle of a NBA renaissance, many people in the Greater Midwest had started to care about the underdog Chicago Bulls' quest to take down the defending champion Boston Celtics.

The book of the Qwakzalians, the Tribizron, similar to our Bible on Earth, spoke of an Armageddon, similar to the Bible's book of Revelation. In the Tribizron, it is outlined that there will be a conundrum of epic proportions one day, and this paradox will be so complex and astounding that it will defy all logic, therefore causing all physical laws on Qwakzal Nine to not exist, and the planet would blow up. Nobody would have been able to see it coming and stop it. Not even the Qwakzal Nine version of Bruce Willis. They could have only hoped for that kind of luck.

So most Qwakzalians lived out their life and didn't worry about when or where this great tragedy would occur. But when they least expected, it did occur last night on our ever so distant and ever so simple planet of Earth in our little simple basketball game. It involved a great play by Bulls forward Joakim Noah and Here's how it happened.

This caused an unprecedented chain of reactions in which people decided they actually kinda like Joakim Noah and think he is a good basketball player. For a while we knew only Verne Lundquist had a hard on for Noah (now at least we know Lundquist is not from Qwakzal Nine, but I'm still fairly confident he's an alien from somewhere) but nobody outside of UF came even close to liking him. Before that play everyone complained about Noah's ridiculous "push" free throw shot, his 5-foot shooting radius, his greasy hair, his snaggleteeth, and his attitude. (Trust me, the list could continue forever but unfortunately we are limited by time and space.) Contrarily, after that moment, they admired his hustle and his drive, perhaps even his "swagger". They were more than excited that he made the play of the night, and perhaps the play of the entire NBA Playoffs.

By the time James Carville logged onto Facebook and saw everyone's status being about how they love Noah for making that play, he knew it was too late, the most epic paradoxes of paradoxes had occurred. Carville is now homeless, and the universe has lost one hell of a planet. RIP Quakzal Nine, we will miss you.