Nonsensical series of "your mom" jokes leads to new decision of "Well, I guess they aren't really all that bad."Students awoke on a typical Wednesday morning ready for class but little did they know a deadly standoff was ensuing outside of the Alumni Memorial Union. Avid smoker Jake Kopaczinski, who admitted to us that he proudly smokes 3 packs of camel unfiltered daily, decided that a cigarette would go fantastic with his Einstein Bagel and it would really complete his balanced breakfast. The recent measures taken from students participating in the Great American Smokeout did not force Kopaczinski to smoke outside of the chalk line that represents legal smoking distance from a building. Kopaczinski lit up directly outside of the Northwest AMU 2nd floor doors and had his morning breakfast, or what he calls his "smokenabagel". "It was raining, it was cold, I love Motley Crue, but I'm not gonna go smoke in the boys room. What do you really want me to do?"
According to Jeremy Caldwell, student president of the Great American Smokeout, you shouldn't smoke at all, and unfortunately for Kopaczinski, Caldwell happened to be walking by the AMU that morning. According to multiple eyewitness accounts, the altercation between the two went something like this:
Caldwell: What the hell are you doing!!
Kopaczinski: What the hell are you doing?
Caldwell: Smoking? Inside that line? Do you know who drew that line?
Kopaczinski: Uhhh, your mom?
Caldwell: Well guess what, your mom told me last night that you shouldn't smoke, especially inside the legal line
Kopaczinski: Well since your mom drew that line, she told me I could smoke in it, because she likes the way I smoke her
Caldwell: Ok, this is getting to ridiculous, I don't even know what that means
Kopaczinski: Your mom is ridiculous
Caldwell: We could do this for hours, but seriously, smoking kills, and I could call DPS and have you arrested
Kopaczinski: You don't even know anything, have you ever had a cig in your life?
Caldwell: No, I haven't, like your mom and I said, smoking kills
Kopaczinski: If you finish this cig, I will never smoke inside the line ever again. I'll even pretend to quit. I'll get your mom to help me.
Caldwell: Fine. Sounds like a deal to me. But stay away from my mom.
After a few puffs and coughs, Caldwell had absorbed a solid amount of nicotine, especially with his low tolerance. "Wow, this stuffs kinda good. I'm feelin buzzzzed," stated an elated Caldwell. Caldwell then went to all of his classes feeling great and absorbed a good amount of information. "I felt alert, but also relaxed, I managed to get all of my homework done directly after class, and I've never been that motivated." Wanting to feel great and study harder, Caldwell then went to Open Pantry and cleaned out most of their racks of nicotine products. On his way back to his apartment, Caldwell was throwing packs of cigs at the homeless and telling them to smoke up and have a great day. His nicotine binge Wednesday night was unlike any other and had almost aderol like effects on his concentration. In his good mood, Caldwell managed to complete an entire research paper that was due a whole month later.
Early Thursday morning, Caldwell met with his closest friends and decided it was time for the Great American Smokeout to become the Great American Smoke-In. Once these kids tried cigarettes for the first times in their lives, they were bouncing of the walls and trying to cram as many into their mouths as they could. A study room was rented in the library that was supposed to serve as a kickoff event for this smoke-in. However, when all of the students lit up at once in the airtight room, they began to suffer the effects of oxygen deprivation and passed out. DPS luckily arrived on the scene quickly, opened the doors and rehabilitated everyone to a safe level.
This wasn't just smoke in mirrors, whatever that expression is supposed to mean.Caldwell managed to prove his point, I guess smoking will kill you, but only if you're that stupid.
