New, More Accurate Wisconsin Logo Announced

After being publicly scorned for a decidedly crappy decision, Gov. Jim Doyle quickly rescinded the proposed new Wisconsin logo and slogan in exchange for one which is thought to more accurately represent the diverse population of the great state of WI. The foamy mug and ice-cold beer is just the kind of publicity that Wisconsinites need to bring tourists back from their cold Chicagoland/ Twin-City caves and reinvigorate a once sagging state economy. Regardless of who sees the logo, who it appeals to, and who even cares, Wisconsinites can rest a little easier knowing that we must no longer worry about being represented by a red man being hung up by his ankles.

Alumni To Hold Wedding Ceremony At Angelo's

As the beautification efforts and overall aesthetic pleasure of the Marquette University campus has increased lately, it's no wonder why many alums want to hold their weddings on campus. Many weddings have been booked for both Jesu Church and the Joan of Arc Chapel. When MU Alum Ted Covin (class of '98) had asked Allie Traxler (class of '99) to be his beautiful bride last spring, they had their hearts set on finally tying the knot somewhere very special. They determined it should definitely be on the MU campus because that is where they met and spent many special years together.

Covin and Traxler decided to take a pass on Jesu and Joan of Arc because although they are cool places, both said there was nothing special involving their relationship. "I never went to church once at MU. Why break a streak like that when I've come this far," said Covin. After doing much research about the beginning of their relationship, this happy couple determined the wedding ceremony should be at the place where they met for the very first time: Angelo's.


Covin in '96 rocking his sweet haircut while quenching his thirst at Angelo's.

Sometimes called "Blo's" by today's students, Angelo's has been serving Marquette students on the corner of 16th and Wells since the fifties. "Its not unusual that married couples meet each other here. Its a great place for students to hang out and get smashed. You've got a pretty good chance of hooking up when you come to Angelo's," said Angelo, the owner of Angelo's.

It was a very special night indeed when the two first met. Covin, a sophomore in the College of Business Administration, had finished a case of Natty Ice with his buddies in Schroeder Hall. Afterward, they went to a party but when the keg was tapped, they decided to head over to Angelo's, split a pitcher, and hit on freshman girls. One of those freshman girls was Traxler herself. At first she thought Covin was awkward, timid and had absolutely no game, but after a few more drinks they were making connections that would last a lifetime. They shared their first beer-flavored kiss while the rest of the bar screamed and applauded. The rest was history.


In fact, all of Covin's buddies got some action that night except for Jimmy, who made out with the Angelo's lion instead.

The wedding ceremony will be held in May and the reception will also be held at Angelo's. Beer and pizza are to be served along with italian beef sandwiches. Angelo is very excited and can't wait for the ceremony. He hopes that other MU alums that also met at Angelo's will consider to come back for a ceremony at his place, "I always love stories that have happy endings. That is why I'm in this business, and why I tend to let underage kids into my bar. Wait, did I say that out loud, oh shit!"

Pessimist Pete Comments On The New Facebook Changes

Hey there half-emptiers, its me, Pessimist Pete here to give you my less than spectacular thoughts and musings on campus life. I'm not going to beat around the bush so let's get started: the new Facebook is hands down complete garbage.

Starting with the sucky homepage, I don't want to log in and automatically read everyone's unfunny statuses. Suppose people were creative and thought of funny ones, I would like this feature, but news flash: people aren't funny, including me. Now Andy Samberg is funny, but you are not. I'm sorry that's just how it is. I thought it was brilliant how I had it set to where I could only see people's pictures and people's parties, and then a little later people's pictures of those parties. I didn't have to read statuses back then, I could creep pictures much easier all day long!

Speaking of pictures, we all know everyone only takes them when they are wasted, and the only time I will volunteer to be in a picture is when I am wasted. I don't even allow for this with my extreme privacy settings. Not to mention the fact that I am ugly and you are ugly so I would probably take it down if we weren't wasted in the pic. But that's just my point of view.

Getting back to statuses and how I am now forced to read them, it makes me want to go update mine every two seconds with every boring and or mundane detail of my life to show people how dumb they are being. For example I would say things like 'Pessimist Pete is taking a dump' or 'Pessimist Pete trying to find a place to bury the dead hooker in his basement' or 'Pessimist Pete really hates life and is going to jump off the Marquette Interchange', all day to day activities. But you know, I won't do that. I'm sick of people with no balls using Facebook as a vehicle to hate on their friends without actually confronting a situation. Or updating a status to try to receive some attention or sympathy points. I may be a pessimist, but I'm certainly not that big of a douche.

And hear this, I don't care if you think Facebook is copying Twitter. I don't even know what the hell a Twitter is. It sounds stupid and hopefully Facebook is not copying a dumb website, but I wouldn't put it past those jerks. And another thing, stop starting groups about how you're going to have to either pay for Facebook or if you don't go on it for one hour then they will change it back to the original form. Hey asshat: not going to happen! I could try to explain why to these people but the explanation is so easy and they are so dumb that I would lose IQ points.

I'm griping about other people's gripes, I know, that's what I do. I can't walk around for five seconds without finding a reason to hate or not believe in something. But here's what I've always hated about the good ole FB: the 'People You May Know' feature. More like 'People That You May Hate!!!' Yeah that's right Facebook, I'm going to friend all of the douches from high school that I hate but you still suggested for me. Although we have many mutual friends, there is a good reason why we are not already friends with each other. If I am legitimate friends with you, then we will also be Facebook friends, don't worry Facebook, I'm on top of it. If I want to friend one of those assholes, I will, but you know I won't. It gives me satisfaction to x them out, tons of it.

The fact of the matter is that facebook has become the extremely slow way of texting someone. It is irrelevant but people make a huge deal out of it. I hate it and would deactivate my account but I did it once and then people thought I was dead. So I won't, but just watch out next time your on the information superhighway, because I, Pessimist Pete am out there, and I will hate on you in a very pessimistic way if I catch you being stupid.

Antsy Pants Magee Has Nervous Breakdown While Waiting For Food At AMU

When Antsy Pants Magee arrived at Marquette Place this lovely Friday afternoon, he thought he would be enjoying a fine chicken sandwich compliments of the 155 grill and not spending his weekend in a mental institution. Antsy Pants Magee (shown far right with his much chiller parents on the left) was stopping through Marquette to interview some prospective inerns for the summer. However, he left after a couple interviews because he had an irresistible urge to keep on the move.

Magee then found himself stricken with hunger and decided to grab a bite to eat at Marquette place. Magee ordered a chicken sandwich at the 155 grill but somehow his order slip had been misplaced in a pile of grilled cheese orders.

An order at the 155 grill can normally take between 7-12 minutes to prepare correctly and is usually very delicious. Antsy Pants Magee claims to have trouble watching his Jimmy John's sandwich be prepared in less than thirty seconds, because he cannot stand to wait to devour his Slim 1. At approximately ten minutes after he ordered, Magee was already having trouble waiting for his chicken sandwich when many people who ordered after him received their food. Magee was witnessed to be sweating profusely and pacing back and forth from the soda machines.

The 155 grill staff realized their misplacement of Magee's order slip and corrected the mistake properly. This was going to add on 3-4 minutes to the already 10 or so minutes Magee had waited. The staff politely informed Magee of this news and he completely snapped. During his breakdown Magee was seen to go on a one minute rant about good customer service followed by a minute of hyperventilating then completely passing out on the floor of the Union. By this time his chicken sandwich was ready but he was not able to eat it as he was taken to the ER of Aurora Health Center.

A 155 grill employee then ate the chicken sandwich and said it was awesome. He will cook one up later this weekend to give to Magee, who will be housed in the psycho ward. In the mean time we wish Magee a speedy recovery, otherwise he will probably become terribly impatient and cause more damage to himself.

Obama Elected MUSG President

The mob of students that paraded down Wisconsin Avenue after the election of Barack Obama as US President on the first Tuesday night in November have clearly refused to stop their celebration. Many MU students called for "change" in this spring's MUSG president election and now they have it. Not spare change like some around here request but change that can make MUSG more efficient, more accessible to students, and more involved with the school administration.

Both John Kristan and Henry Thomas lost their presidential bids in a landslide of a defeat to the current US president and both were baffled as to how Obama was even on the ballot. It is being reported that Jason Lee, a sophomore engineering student who resides in Carpenter Hall, was able to hack into the system and change the ballots to include a write-in candidate.

"Haha! Those suckers! I thought it would be hilarious to put in a write-in candidate so I could write 'Harry Balls'. Seriously, that's the funniest name I could think of. That will show those MUSG pricks!" Lee said.

Once the average Marquette student went into vote, writing Barack Obama into the write-in slot seemed like a no-brainer. Obama would call for change immediately once he was able to witness the inefficiencies of Marquette University Student Government. Obama would fix the Student Organization Allocation with a giant bailout. He would also win your team an intramural basketball championship and play a Ba-rock-and-roll concert at The Annex. He would follow that up by building the behind schedule Wells Street median with his bare hands in less than a day. Then, he would work with Student Health Services to find a cure for cancer.

President Obama could not be reached for comment on the story. University President Robert A. Wild could also not be reached for comment. It is doubtful that Obama will accept a demotion to MUSG President but many students remain hopeful that Obama will come and bring his revolution with him.

DPS Reports: McCormick Hall Finally Burned To Ground

Over the years, McCormick hall has been able to withstand much mischief. This legendary dorm has been home to both Marquette's finest and worst. Classic shenanigans mainly include but are not included to: heavy drinking, punching holes in doors/windows, green leafy substances, harassing pedestrians with megaphones, throwing water balloons at said pedestrians, stealing lounge furniture, and graffiti.

However, McCormick Hall had never seen anything like the ultimate rage that took place last weekend. Nobody knows too much about the history of McCormick except that it opened quite a while ago and is named after some dude named Victor McCormick. Also the architect must have loved beer because it is a giant beer can. The hall stood magnificently on the corner of 16th and Wisconsin for quite some time and glistened in the Milwaukee summer sun until it met its demise.

Freshman resident Joey Barone knew it was going to be a great weekend and was looking forward to causing tons of trouble over the course of the upcoming weekend after he finished his physics exam on Friday afternoon. Barone and a couple of his buddies started pounding shots of vodka in the afternoon. Barone, who failed AlcoholEDU (or was failed by AlcoholEDU?) then decided to "sober up" by switching to beer around sunset. However, 4 Keystone tallboys within the next hour did not help his mind think any clearer.

The next part of Barone's already cloudy story is even foggier. Barone slightly remembers walking around looking for an off-campus party to go to and claimed that he ended up "at that one shady gas station in the hood on 15th and state". He believes the people he was with convinced him to buy some gas and light something on fire, which riled him up quite a bit.

After purchasing the gas and filling several empty milk cartons with gasoline, Barone walked it back to McCormick hall and was not stopped by the Desk Receptionist because he was a creepy senior guy who was too busy trying to hit on drunk freshman girls. In his alcoholic stupor, Barone poured the gas in the hallway of his wing and lit it on fire. Many people laughed as the fire continued to spread around.

The funny part of this ordeal quickly began to fade. Once the gas fire penetrated the ceiling of the dining hall it was able to ignite all of the grease and created a bohemith of a blaze that was not able to be contained. Milwaukee Fire Department was called but unfortunatley it was the night of the department wide bar crawl on Water Street. Fortunatley, the building was evacuated and nobody was hurt. Various students were able to roast marshmallows and watch the building burn to the ground. The estimated loss is $1 billion.


It was a crazy night for the Milwaukee Fire Department at the bars, and with the luck of great scheduling they didn't have to battle an incredible inferno.

Sports: Men's Basketball Accidentally Shows Up And Wins Field Hockey National Championship

Marquette Men’s basketball capped off a record setting season with a blowout victory in a title game last weekend. Marquette has definitely faced a lot of adversity over the last season but nothing like this. After team bus driver Colin McDonaghy took multiple wrong turns somewhere near Topeka, Kansas on his way back from Boise, Idaho after the NCAA tournament last weekend, the team thought they had seen their last competition of the season. However, they were wrong.

McDonaghy successfully steered the bus to Omaha, Nebraska where the team was surprised to find the field hockey national championship tournament. After much debate, head coach Buzz Williams decided that the team ended up in Omaha for a reason and this team is competitive, so they will fight to the end, no matter what. Williams was able to fill out a plethora of paperwork and the team was eligible to compete in a tournament which featured 15 other prominent schools.

All four rounds of the games were held on Tuesday morning in front of an enthusiastic crowd of 8.5 eager field hockey fans ready to scream their hearts out. Due to its late entry, Marquette was seeded 16th in the field but easily took out defending champion and number one seeded St. Mary's College with a 5-0 victory. Marquette was able to shut down St. Mary's leading scorer Patricia 'Patty' Mills (no relation to the basketball player) and send them home in tears.

"It was good to get out feet wet. We weren't world beaters or anything but I feel more comfortable with the rules of the game. I also felt like I could plant and cut on my foot much better. I'm looking forward to the next game," Dominic James said after the game. James was able to score a goal in the first game and provide Marquette with much the needed scoring and assisting that they had missed since he was injured in early February.

Marquette followed up its first round victory with back to back victories over 8th seeded Duke and 5th seeded California Polytechnic San Luis Obispo. The combined score of the 2 games was 47-6 with most of the goals coming from a speedy Jerel McNeal. McNeal went on a tear after an NBA scout happened to be randomly passing by the field while walking his dog. However, when this NBA scouts dog got sleepy and wanted to go home, the scout left and McNeal stopped playing defense, much to the dismay of Williams.

In fact, Williams chewed out the entire team for a poor defensive effort in which they let up those six goals in the past two games. Williams intensley preached the defense that he stressed since the summer and tried to pump up the team for its upcoming championship match. This included referencing every speech before a big game from numerous sports movies. From blockbusters such as 'Major League' to cult classics such as the original 'Bad News Bears' to terrible films such as 'Friday Night Lights', Williams covered it all and set a new world record for most movies referenced in one hour. Sophomore forward Jimmy Butler was then suspended for the championship game becuause he fell asleep during Williams' speech.

A pumped up Marquette team took the field for the championship against in-state rival UW-Lacrosse and played at an extremely high energy throughout the game. Lazar Hayward and Dwight Burke were able to send all 15 girls on the opposing team to the hospital with various injuries as they paved the way for 'The Big Three' to score all the goals. UW-Lacrosse was focred to forfeit in a matter of a few minutes and Marquette was crowned national champions. James, McNeal, and Wesley Matthews were touted as tournament Co-MVP's which capped their stellar senior seasons with this prestigious honor.

"I'm real proud of my guys. Talk about stepping it up in the clutch, when we were backed into a corner, we fought harder, what a great way to end the season!" a very joyful and elated Buzz Williams shouted right before David Cubillan broke a bottle of champaign on Williams' head.



The team partied all the way home on the bus, which managed to not make any more wrong turns on its way back to Milwaukee. Despite the fact that all coaches involved in the tournament are protesting to the NCAA, Marquette is determined to celebrate its victory the right way with a parade down Wisconsin Avenue. Cars will be overturned and or set on fire. Guns will be shot into the air. Let the real March Madness begin.

Music Appreciation Professor Discovers The Lyrics To 'Yellow Ledbetter'

In one of the most shocking research discoveries to ever come out of Marquette University's campus, professor of music Gregory Carpenter has discovered the actual lyrics to the Pearl Jam song 'Yellow Ledbetter'. Even after Pearl Jam frontman and lead singer Eddie Vedder had "given up all hope" on finding the actual lyrics to the song and considered the search to be dead, Carpenter kept on pushing and found all of the words to the legendary song.

"To be honest with you folks, the fans always want me to play it at shows and I've just kind of gone out there and made random noises and put together words that didn't construct actual sentences. The fans love it still and so does my 16 month old nephew, its one of the few songs he can sing along with," Vedder said.

Ledbetter had been released as a B-side to the 1991 hit single "Jeremy" and instantly became a cult classic song amongst avid grunge fans. The song continued to have strong radio play throughout the nineties until it was eventually released in 2003 on the 2-disc "Lost Dogs", a Pearl Jam album containing rare songs and B-sides from the band. Not many were able to decipher the lyrics, but this fact was never able to hurt the songs popularity.

Carpenter was first inspired to find out what was really being sung after he first heard the song over a decade ago when he listened to 102.1 FM. We asked Carpenter to take a trip down memory lane for us, "Ah yes, I remember back when it was acceptable to have long straight greasy hair and complement that with a flannel jacket and some cutoff jean shorts. I saw the kids on the street in my car and tuned into what they listened to. I loved that Yellow Ledbetter song, I thought it was something about a wizard, but I wasn't sure, but I WAS curious."


If there were iPods in the 90's, these kids would have definitely had 'Yellow Ledbetter' on their playlists.

Professor Carpenter's curiosity fueled numerous research efforts that totaled many hours over the course of several years, but it all paid off in the end. Using very high tech computer software, a dictionary, and some duct tape, Carpenter officially constructed everything Vedder sung and was able to write it out in line with the chord progression. Carpenter was able to receive a personal handshake and a pat on the back from none other than Eddie Vedder himself.

"I was just so relieved to know that the lyrics were found and they were okay," Vedder explained, "At one point I was getting ready to call the people from CSI or Without A Trace so we could form a team to track them down because I just lost hope. But now I know that I should never give up hope on anything, and maybe I will write an undecipherable song about that."


And for his next act, Carpenter will attempt to explain the meaning behind the lyrics of "Rooster" by Alice in Chains. We wish him luck.

MU To Hire Nicholas Cage As Operations Consultant

Marquette University prides itself on being an establishment where some of the greatest minds in the state of Wisconsin and the entire Midwest come together and provide a great colloquium of modern thought. Last Thursday, this twenty-first century fraternity of great minds became one larger and extremely stronger.

In a brief press conference, University President Robert A. Wild announced the hiring of actor Nicholas Cage as a top 'Operations Consultant'. Cage will consult the school administration on many matters that range from treasure hunting to disaster prevention.

Wild was very upbeat and confident during the press conference and explained that in today's times, especially with an economy on the downturn, businesses and universities need special people like Cage to keep them functioning. And that Wild had just seen the new feature film "Know1ing" and he loved it. Throughout the past year, Wild had maintained a stance that Marquette was in good shape for a less than stellar economy and with the hiring of Cage, he is definitely keeping his word.

Cage was very honored to receive a position like this from an accredited university and in a phone interview exclusive to the blue and YELLOW herald blog, Cage wanted everyone to know that he would not let them down and was ready to start his new job immediately. Cage quickly arrived in Milwaukee on a hijacked plane full of convicts Saturday morning and then rode a Harley-Davidson motorcycle as a skeleton on fire from Mitchell Field to the Harley Plant in the Menominee Valley amongst a crowd of enthusiastic spectators.

Among these spectators was Harley Plant worker Jim Scruggs who said seeing the real life Ghost Rider brought tears to his eyes. Scruggs mentioned how someone of that stature would not only help Marquette but also help rebuild Milwaukee and put the city into a new Golden Age. "Ya know, I think its great. There I was working on some welding and out of nowhere, a skeleton on fire comes peelin' down the street. It makes me prouder to be a blue collar worker than that one time I attended a John Mellencamp concert. I know Mr. Cage is a great person and there's no question that he can put Milwaukee on his shoulders and become the next Brett Favre," said Scruggs.

Cage wasted no time starting his new job when he got onto campus later that afternoon immediately noticing "some sort of obelisk with inscriptions on it" in front of an entrance to Hagerty Hall on 16th Street. He then proceeded to yell "Freemasons! I know it!" as he ran around campus looking for students and faculty that could possibly be part of a Freemason conspiracy.

Freshman Nick Jones said he was was extremely scared to see Cage running around, "I had no idea Nicholas Cage was here at all, and then I was walking to chemistry and he grabbed me by my jacket and asked me where I buried my treasure. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about but he insisted it was under the Fr. Marquette statue and if it wasn't there then it was in the bell tower at Marquette Hall. It was a frightening experience. I'm going to have to go to counseling."

Nevertheless, Cage has given many brilliant suggestions to the Marquette board of trustees and other important administrators. These ideas are extremely numerous and ridiculous but some include putting a team together to search for secret books in Memorial Library, thwarting car robberies in the off campus neighborhood, and lecturing on face-switching technology to biomedical engineering professors.

I approached Cage for comment when I saw him walking down Wisconsin Avenue on Sunday and he was already in mid thought about where he was and how it related to his consulting. "Wisconsin Avenue, hmmm well it is named after the state of Wisconsin...and they were on the north side in the civil war, north, that reminds me of the north pole...polar bears live at the north pole, but so does Santa Claus, and Santa delivers presents...and UPS guys also deliver presents...UPS, UPS, well, they wear brown...let's see, what is special about the color brown? hmmm...well Raynor Library is a shade of the color brown, yes, I see, and there are JRR Tolkien manuscripts in Raynor...there is a treasure map on the back of the JRR Tolkien manuscripts!"


Marquette Treasure map? Maybe a map to help Frodo Baggins get to Mordor...

Needless to say, the Nicholas Cage era of Marquette University will definitely be interesting. Cage should surely catapult MU into a state of awesomeness never seen before and the blue and YELLOW herald will be sure to keep you updated at every step of the way.