"4th Of July Fireworks" Deemed Too Offensive For Country's Remaining Loyalists

Milwaukee City Officials Quickly Change Celebration To "Holiday Fireworks" To Avoid Prejudice And Onslaught Of Lawsuits

In an effort to de-offend many of its residents, or perhaps escape being "tar and feathered", the Milwaukee government has changed the name of its yearly celebration of our country's independence, Mayor Barrett announced Monday afternoon. He explained the change was based off of numerous complaints about the offensiveness of the term "Fourth of July" and he simply avoided the problem by replacing the term "Fourth of July" with "Holiday" in all of the city's festivities. Barrett was inspired to do this mainly by the massive number of municipalities around the globe, including Milwaukee, that recently changed their "Christmas Trees" to "Holiday Trees". By taking this simple step, Barrett knew the problem would be fixed rather quickly.

In his brief press conference, Barrett did not single out any group or person calling for this change. Unknown was the culprit of this complaint until later in the afternoon when the group identifying themselves as the "Loyalists" came forward and took credit for the change.



The Loyalists (above, outside of their stronghold, John Hawk's Pub, after a tasty meal of fish and chips) claim they strongly take offense to the term "4th of July" for a variety of reasons. These reasons were scribbled by quill upon a parchment that we were exclusively allowed to take a look at:


1. America bloody sucks!

2. Just because the Americans sent a piece of paper to King George on July 4th, 1776 does not mean that they became an independent country! We would have crushed them in a war if we weren't 4,000 miles across the pond! They weren't a real country until that bastard Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown so the Fourth of July is irrelevant anyways!

3. They stole The Beatles and gave them drugs and Yoko Ono!!! Bloody hell!!!

4. We will always be loyal to the Queen, the real founders of this nation by birthright!! (and by Queen we do not mean the drag ones or the rock band ones!!)

5. The 2-7's, the Gangsta Disciples, the Latin Kings or any gang in tha Mil-town ain't got nothin on us! You don't spill (err...offend) Loyalist blood and get away with it! (but you do have to hold on while we put gunpowder in our muskets.)

6. They cannot make us remember the tragedy of losing the crown! Just as you cannot force Jews to celebrate the Holocaust with fireworks...(ok maybe its not that bad but we still find it offensive and can't think of anything else!)

7. America bloody sucks even more than when we said it the bloody first time!!!!!1


Somehow those reasons were good enough to inspire the most political of correctness from our city of Milwaukee. It has been theorized that the Milwaukee government cannot stand to lose any more money to ridiculous lawsuits and prevention is the key. Aldermen continue to check their couches for loose change and cops continue to write a barrage of parking tickets but sometimes that stream of revenue is not enough.

When asked why don't they just go back to England if the American Independence is just too much to handle, the loyalists say simply, "Are you ludicrous? We don't want to pay those taxes!"

Hmmmmm, sounds familiar...

Kanye West Releases Best-Selling Album: Buys All Copies Himself

In an act of unprecedented self-love, Rapper Kanye West disclosed to Blue and Yellow-media reporters that he plans to rush-release an unannounced best-selling, award winning album next Tuesday-- and he has already bought all copies. West, who has previously set milestone achievements in the music industry (he out-sold Fiddy Cent), gaining prestige as a prodigy producer/ leach off Jay-Z's already flourishing career, prides himself on bigger, better achievements. As if his already record selling records weren't good enough, West constantly needs to outdo himself (in public, again. no ego necessary). Not only has West already bought and paid for all pre-release copies, he is only running a limited release and he has paid for all future releases, making his yet unnamed album the greatest selling CD nobody will ever hear. Fans are not really suprised, however, after his last outing, 808s and Heartbreaks, failed to show any artist talent whatsoever. Mister Ye's Bono-like self-worship is what is impressing most. Being the humble and socially aware individual he is, West was happily available for comment, stating that "This is probably the bes' work of art anybody has ever made. If Da Vinci painted music, this is what it would sound like. Even Beethoven would bump this s***." Wise and well-chosen words, spoken like a true genius, Kanye. No matter, however. West's work will surely speak for itself. And if we get lucky, maybe this best-selling unrealse will stay off the radio.

Sometimes the voice of a generation sounds best when it shuts the f*** up.

3 Students Protest Violence In Iran; The Remaining 37 Students On Campus Protest Jon & Kate Divorce Across Street

3 outgoing Marquette students (above) decided that they had seen enough. These rabble rousers wanted to show their support for their desert counterparts struggling for freedom by organizing a protest on the corner of Wisconsin Av and 12th Street. Eager to inform the city of overseas injustices, these do-gooders got on the street corner bright and early Thursday morning and began to inform pedestrians and commuters that this violence needs to stop immediately.

Kimberly Robinson, a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences, was walking to class and saw the protest. She said the people looked angry so she was positive it could only be about one thing: the breakup of Jon and Kate from the popular reality TV show Jon & Kate Plus Eight. "OMG that was the best show ever, I'm soooooooo sad," said Robinson. (she litterally said O-M-G and sooooooo)

Soon, all of the students on the almost dead MU campus began to protest on the opposite street corner about the injustices done to Jon & Kate's family. "Who will get custody of the eight kids?" was the most popular injustice and then people began to question the ethics of paparazzi taking pictures of Jon when he decided to party with college girls. "That should be kept in the private sector!" students claimed, "You must follow responsible journalism ethics!"

The students on the other corner protesting the government in Iran stood in shock and awe. One of the students almost said "WTF?" but his jaw was already locked in a wide open position.

Marquette Cracks Down On Racially Stereotypical Machinery

Stressed out from numerous meetings planning the next academic year, the Marquette board of trustees decided to take a quick break from their busy lives and escape reality. The board as a whole took a trip out to Mayfair Mall last Tuesday night for a round of shopping and then attended the midnight premier screening of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, early Wednesday morning. The board enjoyed themselves and the summer blockbuster, but there were a few loyal board members that could not check themselves out of reality and continued to think of ways that they could improve Marquette University.

One of those board members was longtime board adviser Joseph P. Smithens. Upset at the way some of the robots supposedly portrayed racial stereotypes, Smithens stood up in the theater and proclaimed he would not stand for such injustice. Teenyboppers and other teenage hooligans did not care and only proceeded to throw popcorn at him.


"Hey old dude! Shut the hell up! I'm trying to watch Shia LaBoef!!

Smithens wasted no time and got to work bright and early on the Marquette campus Wednesday morning. Despite a severe lack of sleep and almost bleeding eyes from all of Michael Bay's explosions, Smithens took a tour of the Marquette campus and determined which machinery on campus was blatantly offensive and should be removed.

The first reported causalty of the day happened at the grounds maintenance shop on the south side of campus. A longtime riding lawnmower, "Old Bessie" (right) was reported to be de-commissioned after it was determined offensive. Maintenance workers at the shop said that "Old Bessie" worked like a charm for the last few years. This lawnmower was a tad bit of a brown shade, worked hard all day in the heat, landscaped very well, had a mustache, and loved chicken enchiladas. However, Smithens said this piece of equipment was clearly created to belittle the Mexican race and should be gotten rid of immediately. The maintenace workers said they have no idea what they will do without this amazing mower but they will hopefully find a less than adequate replacement. They also said they do not know what will become of "Old Bessie" as the mower had no social security, credit, or even a green card.

After this, it was reported that several computers in IT services had been unplugged by Smithens himself. "Are you kidding me? Machines that sit in a room with no windows and crunch numbers and do other math equations perfectly? I think the Asians are getting it bad enough. These stereotypes cannot be reinforced any longer!" Nobody is sure what IT services will do without their computers but nobody is complaining either. While little Billy the incoming freshman had a question about his wireless internet, the IT service crew was seen last evening at Happy Hour in Caffrey's having a blast. Poor little Billy, hope your problem can be fixed this decade.


"They're getting rid of our computers! PARTY!"

Nobody knows where Smithens will strike next but the cafeterias are hiding their sausage making machines and all Canadians on campus have stopped saying "eh".

You heard it here first.