"4th Of July Fireworks" Deemed Too Offensive For Country's Remaining Loyalists

Milwaukee City Officials Quickly Change Celebration To "Holiday Fireworks" To Avoid Prejudice And Onslaught Of Lawsuits

In an effort to de-offend many of its residents, or perhaps escape being "tar and feathered", the Milwaukee government has changed the name of its yearly celebration of our country's independence, Mayor Barrett announced Monday afternoon. He explained the change was based off of numerous complaints about the offensiveness of the term "Fourth of July" and he simply avoided the problem by replacing the term "Fourth of July" with "Holiday" in all of the city's festivities. Barrett was inspired to do this mainly by the massive number of municipalities around the globe, including Milwaukee, that recently changed their "Christmas Trees" to "Holiday Trees". By taking this simple step, Barrett knew the problem would be fixed rather quickly.

In his brief press conference, Barrett did not single out any group or person calling for this change. Unknown was the culprit of this complaint until later in the afternoon when the group identifying themselves as the "Loyalists" came forward and took credit for the change.



The Loyalists (above, outside of their stronghold, John Hawk's Pub, after a tasty meal of fish and chips) claim they strongly take offense to the term "4th of July" for a variety of reasons. These reasons were scribbled by quill upon a parchment that we were exclusively allowed to take a look at:


1. America bloody sucks!

2. Just because the Americans sent a piece of paper to King George on July 4th, 1776 does not mean that they became an independent country! We would have crushed them in a war if we weren't 4,000 miles across the pond! They weren't a real country until that bastard Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown so the Fourth of July is irrelevant anyways!

3. They stole The Beatles and gave them drugs and Yoko Ono!!! Bloody hell!!!

4. We will always be loyal to the Queen, the real founders of this nation by birthright!! (and by Queen we do not mean the drag ones or the rock band ones!!)

5. The 2-7's, the Gangsta Disciples, the Latin Kings or any gang in tha Mil-town ain't got nothin on us! You don't spill (err...offend) Loyalist blood and get away with it! (but you do have to hold on while we put gunpowder in our muskets.)

6. They cannot make us remember the tragedy of losing the crown! Just as you cannot force Jews to celebrate the Holocaust with fireworks...(ok maybe its not that bad but we still find it offensive and can't think of anything else!)

7. America bloody sucks even more than when we said it the bloody first time!!!!!1


Somehow those reasons were good enough to inspire the most political of correctness from our city of Milwaukee. It has been theorized that the Milwaukee government cannot stand to lose any more money to ridiculous lawsuits and prevention is the key. Aldermen continue to check their couches for loose change and cops continue to write a barrage of parking tickets but sometimes that stream of revenue is not enough.

When asked why don't they just go back to England if the American Independence is just too much to handle, the loyalists say simply, "Are you ludicrous? We don't want to pay those taxes!"

Hmmmmm, sounds familiar...