No, Excuse ME Mr. Professor, I WILL Text On My iPhone During Lecture

by Sarah Houlihan, Frequent Class Disturbance

How dare you try to quiet me down. Don't you know who I am? For Christ's sake, I was in the prom court in high school. Every guy within a 30 mile radius wanted to take me there. Yeah, you think I would have gotten a little humbled during my freshman year of college? Think again, I got even more important when I came to Marquette. I gave my number to like 200 upperclassmen during orientation alone. You know how many people I have on my iPhone that need to talk to me right now? A bazillion. Your lecture on psychology is nowhere near important as what party I will be attending this weekend. And yes, for your information, it will be an exclusive, invite only fraternity party somewhere, maybe even at the Hilton downtown. What are you going to do this weekend Mr. Professor? Sit on your ass and contemplate the philosophy of the universe? Thought so. So next time don't assume my weekends aren't important.

Respect? Just because you have 2 letters in front of your name and some fancy piece of paper in your office doesn't mean anything to me. Hell, I could get one of those easily. Also, don't even try to tell me I'm wasting time and money. Do you even know who my Daddy is? He's a freakin lawyer. He will sue your ass. Straight up. This tuition is nothing for him, I can do whatever I want. I'm so important, I'm also from the most important city in the world. You don't mess with us from Chicago. And yea, the actual CITY not the freakin weak suburbs.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to text my friends again and perhaps even blatantly disrupt your class with an l-o-l or two. Then after that I'm going to eat my lunch and slurp from a fruit cup.

Marquette Goes Even 'Greener' By Eliminating Food In Dining Halls

Yeah, that's the dinner bell...but dinner is not ready, so don't come and get it. According to a survey conducted by the Office of Residence Life, the attempts to save our planet taken by the dining halls recently (shown by the promotional poster at the right) have worked perfectly. Students disclosed that they loved it and welcomed all changes with open arms.

Jim McMahon, Dean of Residence Life, conducted this highly scientific survey by walking around the Cobeen Hall cafeteria Friday afternoon and forcing people to talk to him. He said everything he found out from the students really helped put the effects of the changes into perspective. McMahon then offered us a look at some of the quotes he had written down from his surveys:

"I don't mind at all that the plates are scolding hot and we have to carry them with our bare hands. This doesn't hurt at all."

"I think its really cool how we can't carry everything at once and we have to keep getting up every time we need to get more than one thing. Its a great use of my time."

"What's even better than having no trays is when there is a shortage of plates and silverware. I never knew macaroni and cheese was finger food that you could eat off of the table!"

McMahon had hundreds of quotes that were similar to these and said none of them were at all spoken in a sarcastic tone. Since the results McMahon found were so positive, him and his brain trust over in Carpenter Hall at the Office of Residence Life put together a few more changes to go even greener.

First, they decided that all dining halls should stop serving food, which went into effect this Sunday morning. This decision was reached by the ORL when they realized how non-green food actually is. One ORL staff member even called it "purple" and said that "Cooking food wastes energy, and then most food goes to waste anyways, it gets thrown out in the cafeteria, or it gets eaten and ultimately goes to waste at the end of the digestive system." Some graphs and phrases were drawn on a white board and the ORL ultimately came to the conclusion that trays = bad, no trays = green, green = good, therefore, no trays = good. Then they applied this logic to food: food = energy, energy = not green, therefore: food = not green, no food = green, therefore: no food = good.

This decision was lauded by many other universities as fine planet saving work, but many students awoke Sunday morning and were very confused. Naturally, nobody knew what to do and chaos in the streets ensued. Students took to the streets with their only possession, their MUID cards, and attempted to use their dining dollars at local off-campus establishments. However, local merchants had no idea what these new "make believe food dollars" were and could not assess any monetary value to them. Students were enraged when not even Ronald McDonald would accept their dining dollars or meal swipes. The front window of the McDonald's at 23rd and Wisconsin was smashed by an angry mob looking to loot burger patties.

The situation was finally calmed when Marquette Gyros and Real Chili opened their doors and began exchanging slave labor for food. Gus, the owner of gyros, had students make his bed, clean his floors with a toothbrush, and paint his walls. Real Chili had students try to clean up their back room to avoid future health code violations, but soon students were turned away from doing this, as two students became seriously ill with the swine flu.

As for the dining halls, they are greener than ever, and every green thumb in the upper Midwest is extremely happy at the efficient system that Marquette has designed. Contrarily, the staff of the dining halls still remains disgruntled. Despite not cooking any food or cleaning, the staff claims that they do too much work and do not get paid enough for all of the work they do. A labor union could be forming and if not, a strike will ensue. Marquette would be wise to give into the demands of the workers for public image, but the University is rumored to have an army of illegal Venezuelan immigrants hiding in the basement of the AMU that can deployed at any time for cheap labor.


"What do we want? Less work! What do we want? Higher pay! And what else do we want? Free movies from Blockbuster every week!"

Despite the utter chaos brewing on campus, McMahon believes that this is only due to the one day transition and students will still adjust accordingly. "They just have to realize how to be green, because green is good, it saves our planet. They should chill out and watch that Al Gore movie, then they'd understand." So you heard it here first MU, chill out and listen to Al Gore, and then maybe throw on Gandhi after that and take notes from the master, because you might not be eating for some time.

Racism

James Carville Is An Alien

Believe me, the Marquette Tribune did a great job reporting on the James Carville speech and I enjoyed reading the article, but I too witnessed the lecture and I think the Trib missed a few of the underlying points in Carville's speech Wednesday night.

The first thing I noticed is that he is clearly an alien. After the speech I checked this fact with the ultimate source of truthiness, wikiality.com, and it is indeed true. Carville's speech was well done, humorous, and thought provoking, but looking deeper than his words only struck me with fear.

I realized Carville helped build the Democratic Party into what it is today, a party that is weak on defense spending, therefore, easy to be attacked during a hostile alien takeover. Don't be fooled, his jabs at Republicans were only plays to make you, college students, vote democratically and pro-alien.

Despite the fact that many alien disaster movies such as Independence Day and Mars Attacks came out during Carville's heyday in the 90's, he was still able to prevent citizens from being scared of an imminent alien attack while using his alien smarts to puppeteer Bill Clinton. We also have not been able to see this coming due to the previous administration's preoccupation with Musilm extremists and other varieties of terrorists keeping us plenty scared.

The ultimate proof came when I recorded Carville's speech on my tape recorder and then played it backward later that night:

"Aliens of planet Qwakzal Nine! The time is now! The democrats I helped build are in office, the humans military will be powerless and subdued by our might! There will be chaos and mass panic in the streets! Look at all of these kids now in front of me, clueless and unsuspecting to our pure rage! Soon enough they will all be subject to our mighty reign! May us aliens rule planet earth for millenniums to come! Bwahahahahaha!"

Greek Week: My Backstage Pass

Well hey there Marquette, did you know it was Greek Week? I'm not sure if you did or not, and if you did I'm not sure what could have possibly given it away. Really, I don't. As a dedicated journalist, I was invited to witness one of Marquette's best kept secrets: this intense competition amongst Marquette's best and brightest to see who comes out on top.

I first heard of this event yesterday when I was contacted by the president of Apple Pi Eta Fraternity, Delta Bravo Chapter at MU. Not being able to trust the Marquette Tribune or The Warrior to write an unbiased article about his fraternity, Richard Wellington III, the president, invited me to head over to his house and follow him and his brothers for a day of the festival.

I arrived at the house on 21st and Highland, and met with Wellington. My first question was, "Why the hell do you guys live out here?" Wellington pointed towards the wall and responded with, "Well, we spent all of our money on our impressive collection of visors. Also, satellite TV. The rent here is cheaper than close to campus." Despite the house (pictured above) looking like it could collapse on top of us at this very moment, I had to admit the collection of visors was very impressive, as it had thousands of visors saying 'Apple Pi Eta' in every color imaginable.

Shortly thereafter, the guy sleeping on the living room floor who was using a Managerial Accounting textbook as a pillow and empty case of Busch Light as a blanket woke up, showered himself in Axe Body Spray, grabbed a visor from the wall, and was ready to go. I introduced myself to him and found out his name was Sleepy Jim. The three of us hopped into Wellington's Chevy Suburban and drove down to The Annex to catch the rest of the Greeks and engage in some friendly competition.

The competition that Wellington and Sleepy Jim were about to engage in was the dart throwing competition. Sleepy Jim claimed that in a previous life, he was a champion dart thrower in the old west, and he did not disappoint, throwing only bulls eyes. Well...except for one of his last throws which he threw directly at a Triangle Fraternity member and yelled, "Your calculus skills won't save you this time, biotch!"

After that chaos, the judge of Greek Week, NFL Referee Ed Hochuli, decided that the Apple Pi Etas weren't disqualified from the competition because that the incident was hilarious. Hochuli flexed his guns and decided Greek Week should carry on by yelling it loudly. This was followed by an uproar of Kappa Sigma guys chanting even louder and Hochuli doing a one minute keg stand behind the bar.

Wellington breathed a sigh of relief and then threw his darts. Although he ended up 5 points short of winning the entire Greek Week dart competition, he was happy with his team's performance. He put most of the blame on himself and attributed his loss and lack of focus to the citywide pink-polo shirt shortage at local Hollisters and Abercrombies. "I feel for all those kids out there that want to go buy pink polo shirts. That's where my heart is really at right now."

Other events that night included bowling for all Greeks, dodgeball for the frats, and best spray tan/bleach blond competition for the sororities. The craziest event of them all was definitely dodgeball. This competition was not your mom and pop's dodgeball. Freshman pledges were chained to the wall and upperclassman whipped heavy soccer balls across the room at them. Ed Hochuli told me it builds character, so I wasn't going to cry foul. The Delta Chi Fraternity was able to hit the most of their freshmen, a whopping 273 times in just under five minutes. They then celebrated this victory by stripping down and streaking back to their house, just down the street from The Annex.


This event was bad news for unsuspecting freshman. Hope Greek Week is more fun for you next year!

Overall, my one day Greek Week adventure was everything I thought it would be. I hoped I reported it as accurately as possible. I would like to thank Richard Wellington III and the rest of his Apple Pi Eta boys for finally letting me be part of the experience that I had been dying to be a part of since the beginning of college. I would also like to thank Ed Hochuli for coming out to Marquette, Abraham Lincoln for winning the Civil War, and Jesus Christ for dying for our sins. Enjoy the rest of Greek Week, Marquette!

Mets Fan Caught Running at 7.5 Beers Per Hour, Ticketed for Public Idiocy

A disgruntled NY Mets fan was beaten and arrested during the 9th inning of the Brewers/Mets game on Sunday after exposing his mostly nude body to unsuspecting Milwaukee Brewers fans and sprinting across the field waving a paper sign. After security got a hold of the man, clocked at reaching nearly 8 beers per hour at full sprint, he was beaten by Bernie Brewer before being hosed-down and held for MPD to recover. MPD quickly arrived at the scene and proceded to beat the man again before clothing him in Brewers memerobelia and sending him on his merry way. He was cited for public idiocy, drunkenness, being a Mets fan, lack of tanned skin, and poor fashion sense. The man could not be reached for further comment, but he is scheduled to appear in court on July 8th. Hopefully this time he will bring a sweater and a nice pair of slacks.

UW Madison’s Slip in Rankings Causes Alcoholic Outburst, Arrest of Adored Mascot

Former #1 placeholder in Playboy magazine’s renowned Top Party School ranking, UW Madison lays in mourning this weekend over its slip to #6 this year. And like any true hardcore alcoholic, students are taking this as a personal insult.

To get some perspective on the student’s feelings towards the fall in ranks, we talked to UW Stateside resident and notorious douchebag Blake Collins. After waiting while he angrily left a voicemail for his ex-girlfriend on his Blackberry to confirm rumors that she was in fact sleeping with PJ Hill, Collins had a few choice words for the Blue & Yellow.

“Someone isn’t [hecking] doing their [gosh darn] part. Me and my bros been drunk as [poop] since Wednesday but we can’t [hecking] do this alone. [Gee whiz] that floppy [female genitalia] is such a [hag]!”

So in an angered yet completely foreseeable response to the Playboy article, the student body assembled a makeshift, drunken march to the capital late Saturday evening. Credited for starting the rally was a completely inebriated Bucky Badger, beloved mascot and long time binge drinker. Buckingham U. Badger was able to gather a large group of people from Brothers and Church Key through over animated gesticulation, gruff stares and push-ups on the bar.

Their petition? Unknown. Because most were in a highly intoxicated state after barhopping since 5 PM, the majority of the event involved a large amount of unintelligible shouting, chain smoking and public urination. The confused march triumphantly staggered after Bucky up State Street amid avid cries that ranged anywhere from “Down with Doyle!” and “What do we want? Peace! When do we want it? Now!” to the most common “What are we doing again? Are we going to Rams Head?”

The rally never actually made it to the state capital as it lost 90% of its participants to the Taco Bell KFC fast food combination that monopolizes late-night drunken munchies sales on the 500 block of State Street. It then petered out entirely as participants began to sober up and realize they needed to get to another bar before 2 AM.

Since the rally was not planned but ended peacefully, Bucky Badger was merely ticketed for its instigation as well as for public intoxication and was last seen passed out in the large chair on the Terrace. One member from the event was later located and asked their thoughts on taking part in the rally, but upon hearing the question merely responded, “I did WHAT last night?”

To sum up, was the march memorable? No. Was it effective? Probably not. But that will not deter the student body in its quest to claim the #1 spot once again.

Marquette Attempts To Clean Up Hunger

Once a year, MU students wake up early, shower off their hangover, and actually do something. Not to say that MU students don't work hard, because they do, but many students have spent the majority of their Saturdays in some sort of alcohol-induced coma that lasts until 2-3 pm.

These great students should be commended, because, they attempt to clean up hunger. Cleaning up hunger is no small challenge. Hunger is not like your dirty roommate's side of the room. You can't just walk over there and pick up the pile of clothes laying on top of the open pizza box (yes there was a piece left) and throw it all in a recycling bin. Hunger is much more complex and has thousands of intricacies. It has baffled the most brilliant of minds for centuries.

For a while we knew about hunger, how we did not like the feeling, how we had to eat to make the feeling go away, but what we did not know was how to clean it up. We knew it was a messy problem, even messier than the Exxon-Valdez oil spill in the 80's, more messy than the Three Mile Island nuclear power plant disaster in the 70's, and more messy than the 60's in general.

Introduce Bob Feldner, professor of sociology at the University of Chicago. Dr. Feldner discovered that the only way to clean up hunger is to do so with thousands of college kids cleaning it at one time. Feldner's radical theory detailed how since hunger is such a large problem, and so complex, it needs the most complex of people (college students) and a large number of them to all attack it by cleaning it at one time. Not only this, but it has to be done at least every year because hunger is so powerful it can never be cleaned and defeated, it only goes and hides in a cave for a little while because it prefers to be dirty.

Marquette decided to pick up this tradition and it has been a hit amongst students willing to do service. I had a conversation with Pessimist Pete last night who claimed people do not do it to battle the epic problem that is hunger, they do it so "those rat bastards can actually feel like they aren't being a waste of space and then they can justify getting blackout drunk 4 nights a week with mommy and daddy's money." Pete might have a point but we here at the blue and YELLOW herald congratulate all of the courageous individuals who stood up against hunger, and vowed to clean it up yesterday.


That's a job well done you two.

Median Construction Inconveniences One Student

"I hate to be that guy, but do you think you can stop incessantly jack hammering while i'm trying to talk to my long distance girlfriend over the phone on the way to class? Speaking of going to class, now I'm going to be late for it because I had to walk around you. Also, you got dust on my north face. Damn it. This is going to be one hell of an angry Facebook status when I get back to my apartment this afternoon."

-Derrick Buelman
College of Arts And Sciences
Campus Town East Resident

DPS Reports: 4/13 - 4/15

Monday April 13th

Somali Pirates Seen Hiding Under 16th Street Viaduct

At 2:33 PM, a Marquette Student driving back from National Liquor Mart informed DPS officers that he witnessed 3 Somali pirates paddling a raft down the Menominee River but quickly hid under the viaduct on 16th street to avoid being seen. One can only imagine that they are trying to hide from the US Navy but they are still dangerous if they manage to make their way down the river and find the unlocked ships at the Port of Milwaukee. In the meantime, DPS hopes that the gangs of Milwaukee will realize they are here and take the pirates out in a gang war, making there as little confrontation as possible.

I-94 Collapses From Influx Of Illinoisans

At 5:46 PM, a section of the I-94 freeway near Kenosha, WI collapsed into an epic sinkhole. The reason for this sinkhole was determined to be repeated strain on the particular highway section. The combined loading of way too many Cubs fans headed to Miller Park for the series against the Brewers and the way too many Marquette students from the Chicago Suburbs (and their Easter candy) heading back to school caused a loading that no engineer short of Nostradamus could have possibly predicted. At this point, the Wisconsin department of Transportation has no intention of rebuilding the road, hoping that nobody from Chicago ever comes to Wisconsin again, citing they would like a "much quieter Wisconsin".

Tuesday April 14th

University Announces Promotion Of Officer Dave Bossman To Sheriff Of DPS

The University public relations department announced Tuesday that longtime DPS officer Dave Bossman has been promoted to Sheriff of DPS after 14 years of service to the Department of Public Safety. Bossman has been one of the most talented DPS officers during his tenure. Highlights include busting Jim Hagerty's Pub a world record 24 times, beating down 67 crackheads asking MU students for money to buy crack (also a world record), and driving to Chicago and eating an entire Crave Case from White Castle once during his lunch hour. Bossman is a staunch advocate of using violence to solve problems and speaks in the third person. During a brief press conference, Bossman stated that anyone wanting to come to his neighborhood and cause trouble is in for a lot of trouble themselves, and they've been warned.

"Dave Bossman knows that you are in grave danger in this neighborhood, and he will be damned if he doesn't protect you."

-Dave Bossman.

Wednesday April 15

'Brother Ron' Indicted In Milwaukee Court

At 1:38 PM, DPS Officers were able to capture 'Brother Ron' and turned him over to MPD, who then were able to prosecute him on his failure to pay his 243 outstanding parking tickets from the last fifty years. For a while, 'Brother Ron', thought if he kept his car moving around the streets of Milwaukee, they could never get him on a parking violation. However, 'Brother Ron' failed to pay his parking meter when he stopped at Open Pantry to buy a hot dog, and DPS Officers quickly contained him while MPD proved he violated Milwaukee parking laws. 'Brother Ron' was indicted at the Milwaukee County Courthouse and owes 1.4 million in parking violations.

Gov. Jim Doyle Jokes About Raising Liquor Tax, Public Stoning Scheduled for Next Week

Governor Jim Doyle was reportedly overheard joking last night about raising the wine and liquor tax throughout the state of Wisconsin. Word of his poorly chosen crack comment quickly spread from college student to college student and, more importantly, from life-long beer drinkers to more life-long beer drinkers. Public outrage has been blazing today, and a student organization from UW Wisconsin has begun planning a public stoning as penalty for taking the name of liquor in vain. Unfortunately, Governor Jim Doyle could not be reached at this time for further comment. However, when we find that sneaky bastard (oh and we will) the prosecution shall commence. Sign ups are available statewide, both at local post offices as well as community churches. Register for the stoning quickly, there are only 100,000 open spots. Date and Time TBA. Bring the Whole Family!

Archdiocese, Gesu Parish Already Brainstorming Ideas For Easter Next Year

After witnessing many Easter ceremonies in Milwaukee with attendances lowest since the actual resurrection, a brain trust of Milwaukee's most pious minds got together Monday night to start the planning process early for the holiest of days next year. In the meeting, the question facing religious officials was a simple question with a much more difficult answer: How do we get the large apathetic and agnostic crowds to attend Easter services?

Many ideas were tossed around including free beer, free sausage, free cheese, or attempting to get Bruce Springsteen to play a free show at the Marcus Amphitheater. However, the church's limited budget did allow for any excess spending on these somewhat expensive ideas. The church was also put in a bind when they were informed that the Easter Bunny would never be visiting Milwaukee ever again (see article below).

But when the officials thought of the Easter Bunny they realized the two components of a successful approach to Easter events:

1. Do something involving kids to get them hooked while they are young.

2. Do something that doesn't involve religion at all but instead a massive amount of candy. This way, the kids will be intrigued instead of bored.

The ideas were then flowing for the church officials as they determined that there should be an Easter celebration in downtown Milwaukee and they would invite all of the city's children to participate. The event will take place in front of The Fonz Statue near the bridge over the Milwaukee River on Wells Street. Each child will receive a complementary "Aayyyyy-gg" courtesy of the Fonz, which has instructions inside to search for more "Ayyyyy-ggs" in the downtown area.


"Hey Fonzi, why don't ya hit that jukebox and get some Easter tunes playin?"

"Who better to replace the Easter Bunny than The Fonz. Especially if you want to make it Wisconsin themed. The Fonz is awesome," said an unknown church official. Each "Ayyyyy-gg" will include a piece of candy as well as a fun fact about Jesus. The fun facts range from "Apple pays Jesus 99 cents when he listens to a song" to "when the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks under the bed for Jesus." Church officials insist they did not steal Chuck Norris facts and replace 'Chuck Norris' with 'Jesus'.

The church knows that the gains will not be immediate and services will still have low attendance for some time. However, the church is very confident that numbers will increase as these children participating in new, fun events get older.

"These kids are going to look back on their childhood and say, 'Hey, remember that one time where The Fonz gave us free candy? And you know, the church organized that to celebrate Easter...maybe I'll go to church on Easter!'"

Currently, there are no reports on whether the church plans to replace Easter Communion with candy, so you regular believers will be okay for a while, but don't give these guys any crazy ideas.

Easter Bunny Accosted on Local Milwaukee Streets

Everything was going smoothly for everyone's favorite holiday rabbit, the Easter Bunny. As of 12:00 last night he was spotted carefully hiding candy and eggs in preparation for Easter. After a night's worth of work, ending with his favorite city, Milwaukee, the Easter Bunny planned to hit a couple of his favorite local bars for a few pints and some relaxation. Things quickly escalated from there.

The holiday rabbit was quickly thrown out of his first stop, Tequila Rita's, after a crew of racist Marquette Alumni realized the rabbit's ethnicity. He was also accused of stealing. Stumbling down the street, smelling of Jack Daniel's and tired from the long hours, the Bunny was heckled by passers by. As he searched for the closest bar, the EBunny managed to pick a fight with a large truck driver named Julia who also happened to be a war vet from 'Nam.

After 3 am, eye witnesses report spotting a giant white rabbit floating down the Milwaukee river.

When the rabbit finally came to and pulled himself from the river's depths, dawn was approaching. Struggling to stop the bleeding and longing to find his SUV, the rabbit tripped and skinned his right knee. He finally made it to his truck, wet, bruised, bloody, and sober. As the sun rose, the rabbit quickly discovered that thieves had conveniently shattered his passenger window and removed his Bose sound system. He had also been issued a parking citation. The Easter Bunny was last reported shouting "F@#$ This!" and speeding off into the morning distance. Hope he gets that window fixed soon.

God Strikes Down Engineering Professor

In a rage not seen since the Old Testament, God was angered enough by the actions of a Marquette University professor to actually destroy a human being. Many people have said that all natural disasters were the work of God exerting his wrath upon humanity, but this time we know for sure because God has unofficially confessed to the killing.

God was extremely angered by the behavior of Dr. Ron Johnson, a professor in the Mechanical Engineering Department of the College of Engineering. Johnson, who has been on staff with MU since 2004, was teaching his Thermodynamics lecture Wednesday morning and he demanded that his students do their homework and somehow get it to him by Friday. Despite the fact that many students were going home for the holiday, and that the holiday in question was Good Friday, he still thought he should drive his students to the brink of exhaustion by scheduling some intense thermo homework problems.

Johnson was also reported to be making crude remarks about the sanctity of the holiday and also trying to relate thermodynamics to the Crucifixion and the Resurrection during his lecture. When God heard all of this, it just pushed Him over the brink. According to the Lord, nobody should be that crazy during Holy Week.

Johnson knew he was on borrowed time when he was crossing the street Friday morning on his way back from Marquette Place to his office in Haggerty Hall and he was almost hit by an MCTS bus zooming down Wisconsin Avenue. Johnson raced to his office only to find that minutes later God rained fire and brimstone upon his office. There was no trace left of him or his office, which is now a giant hole in the side of the building.

As for God, he will be on trial at the Milwaukee County Courthouse Wednesday. He could face up to life in prison. However, he is considering the possibility of entering a guilty plea in hopes of gaining parole. Although, God has already unofficially confessed because, well, lets just say the Man takes pride in his work.

Rec Center To Sponsor 'Hate Your Body Week'

By MU standards, 'Love Your Body Week' was a complete success. Our panel of experts has determined that by complete success, MU means at least 20% of the school population knew what was going on sometime before it was over, and somewhere in the neighborhood of 3-4% actually participated in something. Popular events included the 'Freezin' For A Reason' Swing-A-Thon (where one unfortunate Cobeen resident actually became trapped in a block of ice) and the Health Hut, which offered tips on way-too-expensive-for-a-college-kids-budget-but-yes-indeed-healthy foods.

Now our very own Rec Center has caught on and offered students the chance of a lifetime. So don't eat too much ham on Easter, or do, because when you get back you're invited to come to the Rec and officially Hate Your Body. The Rec center is basically funded by a small group of members but largely a University allocation that only comes around because people hate how they look and want to go do something to change it. Whether that be losing the freshman 15, getting jacked, or improving your terrible basketball jumper, students have been going to the Rec to look better for years and now the Rec is giving back and trying to help you out.

We've gotten a sneak peek at the event and from what I can see, it looks great. The week starts off on Tuesday and looks a little something like this:

Tuesday April 14 - Hate Your Body More Than Opus Dei - Just in time for the end of Holy Week and before the arrival of 'Angels and Demons' to theaters, come torture yourself during an intense aerobics and kickboxing workout to the tunes of various Christian metal bands. Praise Jesus. Hate Your Body. Look better.

Wednesday April 15 - Haterade - Lecture on the importance of hydration with something other than beer during a very intense workout. However, beer will be provided, but will you drink it? Do you want that beer belly? The pressure is on.

Thursday April 16 - The Rec Center Hates On YOU - Sign up now for the chance to run laps around the Valley Fields track while Rec Center employees drive around in golf carts and yell terrible things about your appearance at you. This will only motivate you to run harder.

Friday April 17 - Dining Hall Protest - Now that you've worked out, start eating right by taking a greasy cheeseburger from the dining halls and throwing it off Wisconsin Avenue bridge. Bonus points if it sticks to a windshield of a car on the freeway. Then eat a salad.

Saturday April 18 - 5k run - Because what event doesn't have a 5k? C'mon? And we ran out of ideas...

MUSG vowed to make big changes and does..-cancels finals due to lack of interest

You spoke, MUSG listened. In the biggest move in MUSG history, finals have been eliminated due to a lack of interest from students. This action has brought a mixed response and divided students on campus. Most students are overjoyed by the decision, which was a result of an OSD opinion survey question which asked MU students to name a way to make their college experience better. A n overwhelming amount of write-in responses to eliminate final exams. Many students declared they were just about as intersting as late night events (which are next on the MUSG agenda) and PHIL 104 and said their college expereince would be much improved if they were elminated.
Since finals cannot actually be taken out of the curriculum, MUSG had to get creative in ridding the students of those pesky tests of intelligence. They simply decided to end the school year a week early, citing traffic concerns and economic troubles. The money saved from decreased electricity costs and employee wages, had been put toward the median creation (see below).
However, the controversial move has divided campus. While many students have started celebrating the move and claim a drastic improvement in quality of life, some have taken a different stance. The basketball team, driven by rigorous team acheivment requirements and quest for academic excellence, have vowed to take finals, and have locked them self in the Bradley center (with their academic advisors' of course) and have claimed they will not play until their finals are taken.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel ins ecure around you.We are all meant to shine as children do. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Sir I just wanna say thank you . . . You saved my life. " stated a player who wished to remain anonymous(I've heard this before somewhere.....)

The basketball program has also now reported a dramatic increase in recruits.
Bradley center officials were worried at first, but later became open to the idea after they sold more tickets to the "lockout" than for the remaining Milwaukee Bucks games. Teachers also are opposed to the idea and have declared the decision "absolutely ludicrous". An MUSG spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity responded "so is your mom."
Meanwhile the majority of students are upbeat and are optimistic about the idea.
"There's no stress in school anymore, and now I feel that I can concentrate on my studies without being judged by performance on one cumulative exam," declared a freshman in the college of nursing.
Many communication majors are confused with the entire move and have inquired as to the definition of the word "finals" and said they "always wondered why everyone else had to remain on campus a week late". Communication professors have applauded the move as well, stating that they are in fact ahead of the curve and eliminated all types of evaluation years ago, after noting the stress on students.
MUSG has decided that they will not stop at the university level and now are working on convincing other professional boards to do the same and envision a day where one does not need a good (or any) MCAT, LSAT or CPA test score to become a professional. The NFL immediately obliged and declared the Wonderlic test an "illegal" discriminatory test of intelligence which had too much of a negative impact on participants. Vince Young expressed his joy upon getting his test result expunged and has shown a new focus on the practice field.
MU's new mantra is : MU- don't let finals get in the way, of your dreams today!

New Wells St. Median Gunning to Facilitate New WI Hit and Run Record

Although there have been previous notable pedestrian/ car collisions on Wells St. in the past, Milwaukee's Department of Public Works has recently been unsatisfied with the road's injury/death rates around Marquette University. Upon questioning, a head DPW official had this to say, "Well, we didn't really feel that Wells Street was really all that hard to cross before. There were white lines, three lanes for easy traffic flow, and a lack of trees that allowed for a clear view of the road." Apparently, despite lack of funding and huge debt across the state, Milwaukee managed to push the median through legislation barriers, enabling all students who live North of Marquette Campus to partake in a Froger-esque game of dodge-the-car that the DPW staff has joking named "Hurdle the Median Whilst Trying to Maintain Cat-like agility and Olympia-runner Speed While Also Avoiding Oncoming Traffic." Well, we here at the B&Y prefer to call that survival of the fittest. If you've ever felt unsafe before the median was installed, then you better keep your eyes peeled, your senses sharp, and your running shoes handy, because a simple trip across Wells could end up as... well... you better just focus on maintaining maximum velocity.

Maybe you should just forget about going to class...

B&Y At The Final Four

DETROIT-Hello Marquette from across the (smaller) pond over in Michigan! After getting a university-purposes grant from MUSG president-elect Barack Obama for the purposes of reporting the main street event of college hoops and revitalizing the sagging Detroit economy, I made the trek a few miles down 94 to the Motor City. In fact, with the left over grant money, I was able to purchase 3 different Chrysler vehicles, all of which had parts break immediately upon driving the car out of the lot.


"Oh crap. This cannot be good. Do I have insurance for this?"

That's right, buy American. But anyways, it was a spectacular weekend for any basketball fan and the B&Y has you covered on all of the action. Here it goes:

MU Head Coach Buzz Williams Defeats Bobby Knight In Coaches Chair Throwing Competition:

In addition to festivities such as the dunk contest and 3 point shootout, NCAA coaches had their share of activities and competitions to whet their appetite. The marquee event of which has always been the coahes chair throwing competition. Favorite Bobby Knight, who does not officially coach a team, is always permitted to play for inventing the event and being the undefeated 8-time defending champion since the games inception in 2000.


Knight has been throwing chairs since the 80's, but during the last decade, he has really perfected his work.

MU coach Buzz Williams was suprised and very honored to be invited to this prestigious event. Williams knew that he was a newcomer and an underdog, but that did not stop him from expecting victory the moment he took the court. "I'm used to adversity as a coach. That's really one thing you can always say when you're a coach and people will think you sound smart. Adversity. Yeah I know about it. Adversity."

Williams faced off with the favorite, Knight, as well as Bob Huggins of West Virginia, and Bruce Pearl of Tennessee. Despite the distraction of a shirtless Pearl and Huggins being accompanied by long lost twin Alec Baldwin, Knight and Williams were able to easily eliminate Pearl and Huggins with throws of over 75 feet in total distance.

Then came the epic face off. Before the final toss, Knight gave Williams a cold hard stare and told him he was going to take him to "Knight School". However, Buzz countered with some trash talking of his own when he said, "I'm going to make you history. Like the Knight's Templar." Williams was then pumped up enough to launch a chair a world record 87 feet to Knight's 82. Williams was elated and went for a victory lap around the court while 33 fans slightly applauded.

Tyler Hansbrough Overcomes Deadly Case Of Senioritis Before National Semifinal Game:

Tyler Hansbrough received many immunizations and flu shots over the last year in order to stay healthy and in tip top basketball shape. He needed to be at his best for this year's run to the National Championship. "It was national championship or bust. I was upset after we lost last year and I wasn't going to let anything stop me from coming back and winning it all," Hansbrough told reporters before the tournament. The North Carolina senior forward went balls-to-the-wall this year from start to finish and there was no doubt about that.

What Hansbrough didn't know was that all of the hard work he had put in and medicine he had taken would not prepare him for the deadliest of diseases: Senioritis. This disease affects nearly 3 out of every 4 people in America. And sometimes people are unlucky enough to get this disease twice, usually within a period of 4-5 years after the first case. Senioritis affects everything in your body, from the will to move and think to the contraction of many other symptoms like urge to only hang out with your friends and ADD/ADHD.

Before the Final Four game against Villanova, Hansbrough sat quietly in the corner of the locker room not knowing what was wrong with him. "I felt like I couldn't move, but I didn't know why, I didn't want to do anything except curl up into the fetal position and sleep right there in that corner." Hansborough got the attention of the team trainer and coach Roy Williams, who then helped Hansborough to his feet.


Above: Hansbrough suffering from Senioritis causing severe lack of motivation and drive.

"We tried to cheer him up. Start a slow clap while he walked around the locker room, you know, little stuff like that," said Coach Williams. His teammates continued to pick him up and reminded him of how much fun he has playing basketball. They showed a montage of Hansbrough's career that included his bloody face against Duke, flailing all his appendages after a game winning shot in the ACC Tournament, and jumping off of a house into a pool on the UNC Campus. Needless to say, Hansbrough was pumped and ready to go out and make Villanova and MSU look like JV High School teams while UNC played the games of their lives and won the whole tournament. Congrats gentlemen.

Freshman Uses Mapquest For Directions To Class

After failing a recent Chemistry exam, Freshman student Angela Lemmons decided it was finally about time to attend her Chemistry 002 discussion section of the course. Of course, the discussion is not required to attend and does not take official attendance but TA's always offer insightful advice on how to solve the most difficult and strenuous of chemistry problems. Some may also offer advice related to chemistry such as how to make your own moonshine, but that is another story altogether.

Lemmons, a freshman in the College of Health Sciences and a Cobeen resident, was able to look up the time and place of her section using checkmarq. However, when the location of the class was given as 'Emory Clark Hall' she became quite confused.

"I had never heard of that building. I was wondering if it was even on campus. I thought maybe checkmarq was playing an April fools joke on me," explained Lemmons.

Well, turns out that this was no joke and Lemmons was able to take the problem into her own hands. She pulled up mapquest.com on her internet browser and began filling out where she lived (Cobeen Hall) and then typed in Emory Clark Hall as her destination and looked at the directions. The directions were given as follows:

RIGHT out of Cobeen Hall onto 11th street sidewalk (aka The Wiggle). Proceed across Wisconsin Avenue and MERGE on 94-East towards Chicago.

EXIT at 6th/National and make LEFT going NORTH on 6th Street.

RIGHT at La Perla restaurant. Enjoy pitchers of Margaritas.

RIGHT from exit of La Perla onto National Avenue heading WEST

RIGHT onto Miller Park Way heading NORTH. Take tours of Miller Park and Miller Brewery.

EXIT at State St/Martin Drive exit and make RIGHT on 46th Street and LEFT onto State Street heading EAST

LEFT on 27th Street heading NORTH. Watch for gang members.

RIGHT on Fond du Lac Avenue heading SOUTHEAST.

RIGHT on 17th Street heading SOUTH.

LEFT onto sidewalk that goes between the Rec Center and Carmel Hall. Cross 16th street and Emory Clark Hall is to the right of Schroeder Complex.



Lemmons decided that the trip was ultimately fun but decided maybe Mapquest is not as reliable as one would think because the walk to class ultimately took 6 days. She is currently brainstorming for a new way to get to class.

All Hail the April Fools (aka Hope You're Not That Guy)