Greek Week: My Backstage Pass

Well hey there Marquette, did you know it was Greek Week? I'm not sure if you did or not, and if you did I'm not sure what could have possibly given it away. Really, I don't. As a dedicated journalist, I was invited to witness one of Marquette's best kept secrets: this intense competition amongst Marquette's best and brightest to see who comes out on top.

I first heard of this event yesterday when I was contacted by the president of Apple Pi Eta Fraternity, Delta Bravo Chapter at MU. Not being able to trust the Marquette Tribune or The Warrior to write an unbiased article about his fraternity, Richard Wellington III, the president, invited me to head over to his house and follow him and his brothers for a day of the festival.

I arrived at the house on 21st and Highland, and met with Wellington. My first question was, "Why the hell do you guys live out here?" Wellington pointed towards the wall and responded with, "Well, we spent all of our money on our impressive collection of visors. Also, satellite TV. The rent here is cheaper than close to campus." Despite the house (pictured above) looking like it could collapse on top of us at this very moment, I had to admit the collection of visors was very impressive, as it had thousands of visors saying 'Apple Pi Eta' in every color imaginable.

Shortly thereafter, the guy sleeping on the living room floor who was using a Managerial Accounting textbook as a pillow and empty case of Busch Light as a blanket woke up, showered himself in Axe Body Spray, grabbed a visor from the wall, and was ready to go. I introduced myself to him and found out his name was Sleepy Jim. The three of us hopped into Wellington's Chevy Suburban and drove down to The Annex to catch the rest of the Greeks and engage in some friendly competition.

The competition that Wellington and Sleepy Jim were about to engage in was the dart throwing competition. Sleepy Jim claimed that in a previous life, he was a champion dart thrower in the old west, and he did not disappoint, throwing only bulls eyes. Well...except for one of his last throws which he threw directly at a Triangle Fraternity member and yelled, "Your calculus skills won't save you this time, biotch!"

After that chaos, the judge of Greek Week, NFL Referee Ed Hochuli, decided that the Apple Pi Etas weren't disqualified from the competition because that the incident was hilarious. Hochuli flexed his guns and decided Greek Week should carry on by yelling it loudly. This was followed by an uproar of Kappa Sigma guys chanting even louder and Hochuli doing a one minute keg stand behind the bar.

Wellington breathed a sigh of relief and then threw his darts. Although he ended up 5 points short of winning the entire Greek Week dart competition, he was happy with his team's performance. He put most of the blame on himself and attributed his loss and lack of focus to the citywide pink-polo shirt shortage at local Hollisters and Abercrombies. "I feel for all those kids out there that want to go buy pink polo shirts. That's where my heart is really at right now."

Other events that night included bowling for all Greeks, dodgeball for the frats, and best spray tan/bleach blond competition for the sororities. The craziest event of them all was definitely dodgeball. This competition was not your mom and pop's dodgeball. Freshman pledges were chained to the wall and upperclassman whipped heavy soccer balls across the room at them. Ed Hochuli told me it builds character, so I wasn't going to cry foul. The Delta Chi Fraternity was able to hit the most of their freshmen, a whopping 273 times in just under five minutes. They then celebrated this victory by stripping down and streaking back to their house, just down the street from The Annex.


This event was bad news for unsuspecting freshman. Hope Greek Week is more fun for you next year!

Overall, my one day Greek Week adventure was everything I thought it would be. I hoped I reported it as accurately as possible. I would like to thank Richard Wellington III and the rest of his Apple Pi Eta boys for finally letting me be part of the experience that I had been dying to be a part of since the beginning of college. I would also like to thank Ed Hochuli for coming out to Marquette, Abraham Lincoln for winning the Civil War, and Jesus Christ for dying for our sins. Enjoy the rest of Greek Week, Marquette!