Archdiocese, Gesu Parish Already Brainstorming Ideas For Easter Next Year

After witnessing many Easter ceremonies in Milwaukee with attendances lowest since the actual resurrection, a brain trust of Milwaukee's most pious minds got together Monday night to start the planning process early for the holiest of days next year. In the meeting, the question facing religious officials was a simple question with a much more difficult answer: How do we get the large apathetic and agnostic crowds to attend Easter services?

Many ideas were tossed around including free beer, free sausage, free cheese, or attempting to get Bruce Springsteen to play a free show at the Marcus Amphitheater. However, the church's limited budget did allow for any excess spending on these somewhat expensive ideas. The church was also put in a bind when they were informed that the Easter Bunny would never be visiting Milwaukee ever again (see article below).

But when the officials thought of the Easter Bunny they realized the two components of a successful approach to Easter events:

1. Do something involving kids to get them hooked while they are young.

2. Do something that doesn't involve religion at all but instead a massive amount of candy. This way, the kids will be intrigued instead of bored.

The ideas were then flowing for the church officials as they determined that there should be an Easter celebration in downtown Milwaukee and they would invite all of the city's children to participate. The event will take place in front of The Fonz Statue near the bridge over the Milwaukee River on Wells Street. Each child will receive a complementary "Aayyyyy-gg" courtesy of the Fonz, which has instructions inside to search for more "Ayyyyy-ggs" in the downtown area.


"Hey Fonzi, why don't ya hit that jukebox and get some Easter tunes playin?"

"Who better to replace the Easter Bunny than The Fonz. Especially if you want to make it Wisconsin themed. The Fonz is awesome," said an unknown church official. Each "Ayyyyy-gg" will include a piece of candy as well as a fun fact about Jesus. The fun facts range from "Apple pays Jesus 99 cents when he listens to a song" to "when the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks under the bed for Jesus." Church officials insist they did not steal Chuck Norris facts and replace 'Chuck Norris' with 'Jesus'.

The church knows that the gains will not be immediate and services will still have low attendance for some time. However, the church is very confident that numbers will increase as these children participating in new, fun events get older.

"These kids are going to look back on their childhood and say, 'Hey, remember that one time where The Fonz gave us free candy? And you know, the church organized that to celebrate Easter...maybe I'll go to church on Easter!'"

Currently, there are no reports on whether the church plans to replace Easter Communion with candy, so you regular believers will be okay for a while, but don't give these guys any crazy ideas.