B&Y At The Final Four

DETROIT-Hello Marquette from across the (smaller) pond over in Michigan! After getting a university-purposes grant from MUSG president-elect Barack Obama for the purposes of reporting the main street event of college hoops and revitalizing the sagging Detroit economy, I made the trek a few miles down 94 to the Motor City. In fact, with the left over grant money, I was able to purchase 3 different Chrysler vehicles, all of which had parts break immediately upon driving the car out of the lot.


"Oh crap. This cannot be good. Do I have insurance for this?"

That's right, buy American. But anyways, it was a spectacular weekend for any basketball fan and the B&Y has you covered on all of the action. Here it goes:

MU Head Coach Buzz Williams Defeats Bobby Knight In Coaches Chair Throwing Competition:

In addition to festivities such as the dunk contest and 3 point shootout, NCAA coaches had their share of activities and competitions to whet their appetite. The marquee event of which has always been the coahes chair throwing competition. Favorite Bobby Knight, who does not officially coach a team, is always permitted to play for inventing the event and being the undefeated 8-time defending champion since the games inception in 2000.


Knight has been throwing chairs since the 80's, but during the last decade, he has really perfected his work.

MU coach Buzz Williams was suprised and very honored to be invited to this prestigious event. Williams knew that he was a newcomer and an underdog, but that did not stop him from expecting victory the moment he took the court. "I'm used to adversity as a coach. That's really one thing you can always say when you're a coach and people will think you sound smart. Adversity. Yeah I know about it. Adversity."

Williams faced off with the favorite, Knight, as well as Bob Huggins of West Virginia, and Bruce Pearl of Tennessee. Despite the distraction of a shirtless Pearl and Huggins being accompanied by long lost twin Alec Baldwin, Knight and Williams were able to easily eliminate Pearl and Huggins with throws of over 75 feet in total distance.

Then came the epic face off. Before the final toss, Knight gave Williams a cold hard stare and told him he was going to take him to "Knight School". However, Buzz countered with some trash talking of his own when he said, "I'm going to make you history. Like the Knight's Templar." Williams was then pumped up enough to launch a chair a world record 87 feet to Knight's 82. Williams was elated and went for a victory lap around the court while 33 fans slightly applauded.

Tyler Hansbrough Overcomes Deadly Case Of Senioritis Before National Semifinal Game:

Tyler Hansbrough received many immunizations and flu shots over the last year in order to stay healthy and in tip top basketball shape. He needed to be at his best for this year's run to the National Championship. "It was national championship or bust. I was upset after we lost last year and I wasn't going to let anything stop me from coming back and winning it all," Hansbrough told reporters before the tournament. The North Carolina senior forward went balls-to-the-wall this year from start to finish and there was no doubt about that.

What Hansbrough didn't know was that all of the hard work he had put in and medicine he had taken would not prepare him for the deadliest of diseases: Senioritis. This disease affects nearly 3 out of every 4 people in America. And sometimes people are unlucky enough to get this disease twice, usually within a period of 4-5 years after the first case. Senioritis affects everything in your body, from the will to move and think to the contraction of many other symptoms like urge to only hang out with your friends and ADD/ADHD.

Before the Final Four game against Villanova, Hansbrough sat quietly in the corner of the locker room not knowing what was wrong with him. "I felt like I couldn't move, but I didn't know why, I didn't want to do anything except curl up into the fetal position and sleep right there in that corner." Hansborough got the attention of the team trainer and coach Roy Williams, who then helped Hansborough to his feet.


Above: Hansbrough suffering from Senioritis causing severe lack of motivation and drive.

"We tried to cheer him up. Start a slow clap while he walked around the locker room, you know, little stuff like that," said Coach Williams. His teammates continued to pick him up and reminded him of how much fun he has playing basketball. They showed a montage of Hansbrough's career that included his bloody face against Duke, flailing all his appendages after a game winning shot in the ACC Tournament, and jumping off of a house into a pool on the UNC Campus. Needless to say, Hansbrough was pumped and ready to go out and make Villanova and MSU look like JV High School teams while UNC played the games of their lives and won the whole tournament. Congrats gentlemen.