DPS Reports: 4/13 - 4/15

Monday April 13th

Somali Pirates Seen Hiding Under 16th Street Viaduct

At 2:33 PM, a Marquette Student driving back from National Liquor Mart informed DPS officers that he witnessed 3 Somali pirates paddling a raft down the Menominee River but quickly hid under the viaduct on 16th street to avoid being seen. One can only imagine that they are trying to hide from the US Navy but they are still dangerous if they manage to make their way down the river and find the unlocked ships at the Port of Milwaukee. In the meantime, DPS hopes that the gangs of Milwaukee will realize they are here and take the pirates out in a gang war, making there as little confrontation as possible.

I-94 Collapses From Influx Of Illinoisans

At 5:46 PM, a section of the I-94 freeway near Kenosha, WI collapsed into an epic sinkhole. The reason for this sinkhole was determined to be repeated strain on the particular highway section. The combined loading of way too many Cubs fans headed to Miller Park for the series against the Brewers and the way too many Marquette students from the Chicago Suburbs (and their Easter candy) heading back to school caused a loading that no engineer short of Nostradamus could have possibly predicted. At this point, the Wisconsin department of Transportation has no intention of rebuilding the road, hoping that nobody from Chicago ever comes to Wisconsin again, citing they would like a "much quieter Wisconsin".

Tuesday April 14th

University Announces Promotion Of Officer Dave Bossman To Sheriff Of DPS

The University public relations department announced Tuesday that longtime DPS officer Dave Bossman has been promoted to Sheriff of DPS after 14 years of service to the Department of Public Safety. Bossman has been one of the most talented DPS officers during his tenure. Highlights include busting Jim Hagerty's Pub a world record 24 times, beating down 67 crackheads asking MU students for money to buy crack (also a world record), and driving to Chicago and eating an entire Crave Case from White Castle once during his lunch hour. Bossman is a staunch advocate of using violence to solve problems and speaks in the third person. During a brief press conference, Bossman stated that anyone wanting to come to his neighborhood and cause trouble is in for a lot of trouble themselves, and they've been warned.

"Dave Bossman knows that you are in grave danger in this neighborhood, and he will be damned if he doesn't protect you."

-Dave Bossman.

Wednesday April 15

'Brother Ron' Indicted In Milwaukee Court

At 1:38 PM, DPS Officers were able to capture 'Brother Ron' and turned him over to MPD, who then were able to prosecute him on his failure to pay his 243 outstanding parking tickets from the last fifty years. For a while, 'Brother Ron', thought if he kept his car moving around the streets of Milwaukee, they could never get him on a parking violation. However, 'Brother Ron' failed to pay his parking meter when he stopped at Open Pantry to buy a hot dog, and DPS Officers quickly contained him while MPD proved he violated Milwaukee parking laws. 'Brother Ron' was indicted at the Milwaukee County Courthouse and owes 1.4 million in parking violations.