MU To Hire Nicholas Cage As Operations Consultant

Marquette University prides itself on being an establishment where some of the greatest minds in the state of Wisconsin and the entire Midwest come together and provide a great colloquium of modern thought. Last Thursday, this twenty-first century fraternity of great minds became one larger and extremely stronger.

In a brief press conference, University President Robert A. Wild announced the hiring of actor Nicholas Cage as a top 'Operations Consultant'. Cage will consult the school administration on many matters that range from treasure hunting to disaster prevention.

Wild was very upbeat and confident during the press conference and explained that in today's times, especially with an economy on the downturn, businesses and universities need special people like Cage to keep them functioning. And that Wild had just seen the new feature film "Know1ing" and he loved it. Throughout the past year, Wild had maintained a stance that Marquette was in good shape for a less than stellar economy and with the hiring of Cage, he is definitely keeping his word.

Cage was very honored to receive a position like this from an accredited university and in a phone interview exclusive to the blue and YELLOW herald blog, Cage wanted everyone to know that he would not let them down and was ready to start his new job immediately. Cage quickly arrived in Milwaukee on a hijacked plane full of convicts Saturday morning and then rode a Harley-Davidson motorcycle as a skeleton on fire from Mitchell Field to the Harley Plant in the Menominee Valley amongst a crowd of enthusiastic spectators.

Among these spectators was Harley Plant worker Jim Scruggs who said seeing the real life Ghost Rider brought tears to his eyes. Scruggs mentioned how someone of that stature would not only help Marquette but also help rebuild Milwaukee and put the city into a new Golden Age. "Ya know, I think its great. There I was working on some welding and out of nowhere, a skeleton on fire comes peelin' down the street. It makes me prouder to be a blue collar worker than that one time I attended a John Mellencamp concert. I know Mr. Cage is a great person and there's no question that he can put Milwaukee on his shoulders and become the next Brett Favre," said Scruggs.

Cage wasted no time starting his new job when he got onto campus later that afternoon immediately noticing "some sort of obelisk with inscriptions on it" in front of an entrance to Hagerty Hall on 16th Street. He then proceeded to yell "Freemasons! I know it!" as he ran around campus looking for students and faculty that could possibly be part of a Freemason conspiracy.

Freshman Nick Jones said he was was extremely scared to see Cage running around, "I had no idea Nicholas Cage was here at all, and then I was walking to chemistry and he grabbed me by my jacket and asked me where I buried my treasure. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about but he insisted it was under the Fr. Marquette statue and if it wasn't there then it was in the bell tower at Marquette Hall. It was a frightening experience. I'm going to have to go to counseling."

Nevertheless, Cage has given many brilliant suggestions to the Marquette board of trustees and other important administrators. These ideas are extremely numerous and ridiculous but some include putting a team together to search for secret books in Memorial Library, thwarting car robberies in the off campus neighborhood, and lecturing on face-switching technology to biomedical engineering professors.

I approached Cage for comment when I saw him walking down Wisconsin Avenue on Sunday and he was already in mid thought about where he was and how it related to his consulting. "Wisconsin Avenue, hmmm well it is named after the state of Wisconsin...and they were on the north side in the civil war, north, that reminds me of the north pole...polar bears live at the north pole, but so does Santa Claus, and Santa delivers presents...and UPS guys also deliver presents...UPS, UPS, well, they wear brown...let's see, what is special about the color brown? hmmm...well Raynor Library is a shade of the color brown, yes, I see, and there are JRR Tolkien manuscripts in Raynor...there is a treasure map on the back of the JRR Tolkien manuscripts!"


Marquette Treasure map? Maybe a map to help Frodo Baggins get to Mordor...

Needless to say, the Nicholas Cage era of Marquette University will definitely be interesting. Cage should surely catapult MU into a state of awesomeness never seen before and the blue and YELLOW herald will be sure to keep you updated at every step of the way.