DPS Reports: McCormick Hall Finally Burned To Ground

Over the years, McCormick hall has been able to withstand much mischief. This legendary dorm has been home to both Marquette's finest and worst. Classic shenanigans mainly include but are not included to: heavy drinking, punching holes in doors/windows, green leafy substances, harassing pedestrians with megaphones, throwing water balloons at said pedestrians, stealing lounge furniture, and graffiti.

However, McCormick Hall had never seen anything like the ultimate rage that took place last weekend. Nobody knows too much about the history of McCormick except that it opened quite a while ago and is named after some dude named Victor McCormick. Also the architect must have loved beer because it is a giant beer can. The hall stood magnificently on the corner of 16th and Wisconsin for quite some time and glistened in the Milwaukee summer sun until it met its demise.

Freshman resident Joey Barone knew it was going to be a great weekend and was looking forward to causing tons of trouble over the course of the upcoming weekend after he finished his physics exam on Friday afternoon. Barone and a couple of his buddies started pounding shots of vodka in the afternoon. Barone, who failed AlcoholEDU (or was failed by AlcoholEDU?) then decided to "sober up" by switching to beer around sunset. However, 4 Keystone tallboys within the next hour did not help his mind think any clearer.

The next part of Barone's already cloudy story is even foggier. Barone slightly remembers walking around looking for an off-campus party to go to and claimed that he ended up "at that one shady gas station in the hood on 15th and state". He believes the people he was with convinced him to buy some gas and light something on fire, which riled him up quite a bit.

After purchasing the gas and filling several empty milk cartons with gasoline, Barone walked it back to McCormick hall and was not stopped by the Desk Receptionist because he was a creepy senior guy who was too busy trying to hit on drunk freshman girls. In his alcoholic stupor, Barone poured the gas in the hallway of his wing and lit it on fire. Many people laughed as the fire continued to spread around.

The funny part of this ordeal quickly began to fade. Once the gas fire penetrated the ceiling of the dining hall it was able to ignite all of the grease and created a bohemith of a blaze that was not able to be contained. Milwaukee Fire Department was called but unfortunatley it was the night of the department wide bar crawl on Water Street. Fortunatley, the building was evacuated and nobody was hurt. Various students were able to roast marshmallows and watch the building burn to the ground. The estimated loss is $1 billion.


It was a crazy night for the Milwaukee Fire Department at the bars, and with the luck of great scheduling they didn't have to battle an incredible inferno.