Man Attempts To Install Norton AntiVirus On Self To Prevent Swine Flu

Rabble rabble rabble rabble swine flu rabble rabble. Sick and tired about hearing about the Swine Flu? Tell that to Joe Biden. Then tell that to the dead horse in my backyard that I continually beat with a baseball bat. As for me I prefer Bird Flu, only because I think it sounds funnier.

Despite the nonsense and where it came from, this deadly sickness has reached our fine city of Milwaukee. Many have taken simple precautions such as not riding the bus, not eating at fast food restaurants, or simply locking themselves in their local fallout shelter. (Marquette’s is located in the basement of Schroeder Hall in case you were thinking of doing just that.)

Your city’s finest hypochondriacs, however, are not doing anything close to simple. Meet Jeffrey Williamson, 24 a resident of Library Hill Apartments. Jeffrey washes his hands over 200 times per day with antibacterial soap, a world record. When Jeffrey heard of the swine flu and its presence in Milwaukee, and then add the disease being a virus not a bacteria, he was stricken with fear.

Early Saturday morning, Jeffrey knew it was do or die time. He decided he had to find a way to block the Swine Flu before he died an untimely death. “I searched ‘blocking viruses’ in Google and it was overwhelming how many people said Norton was the way to go. Every forum from everywhere said Norton stops the most amount of viruses, and that was assuring,” said Jeffrey in a brief interview.

Jeffrey quickly downloaded the program off of his computer and stored it on a usb memory stick. He then took the memory stick and began jabbing it into his thigh. Only leaving a few funny shaped imprints and some minor cuts, Jeffrey realized this wasn’t working. He poured himself a stiff drink and began to think it over. “I realized that the USB would never work unless I got some sort of USB syringe, that’s how most vaccinations work. I remembered that you could also take pills to cure stuff, so then I went in a different direction.”

In fact, Jeffrey went in a complete different direction when he drove his car to Best Buy on Mayfair Road and then bought a hard copy of Norton AntiVirus. When Jeffrey got home, he took the CD and ingested it, causing him to almost choke and die, and then causing him to be very ill later. He called 9-1-1 and was transported quickly to Aurora Sinai Medical Complex where doctors ran many tests on their speechless patient.

After these tests, doctors were surprised to learn that Jeffrey had too much metal, plastic, and other harsh chemicals in his system. They also noticed funny shaped markings on his thigh that they have never seen before. The doctors got together and determined Jeffrey was suffering from a huge case of being an idiot and the doctors prepared to treat him accordingly. He will be in the hospital for quite some time, is sharing a room with Antsy Pants Magee, and is expected to make a full recovery.

Jeffrey seemed like he was in good spirits when I visited him today and he even told me a joke. "You know how they always said the expression ‘when pigs fly’?” he asked me, “Well…because…a pig has never been able to fly, right? Next time, just remember before you say it, that Swine Flew.”