An exciting find announced today by the Urban Archaeological Association (UAA): The first documented Milwaukee Bum Treasure Map was uncovered by Milwaukee Public Museum Archeological Curator Dr. James E. Sullivan. While waiting to get on a crowded bus on his way to work last Friday, Dr. Sullivan noticed something strange poking out from the top of a garbage receptacle on the corner of 21st and State. "I couldn't believe my eye," Sullivan commented, his eyes tearing at the thought, "I had just turned around to yell at a woman who had spit on my new loafers when I saw it, just blowin' in the wind..." Dr. Sullivan then drifted off into a dreamy state of rememberance. The good doctor was able to hold back tears of joy for long enough to describe the actual map. "It appears to be a rather pristine example of Post-World War II Marquette-area bum scrawlings," Sullivan said as he pointed to the seemingly criptyc lettering on the back of the map. "Whoever finds this map will have all his dreams come true." Apparently, Dr. Sullivan had actually mustered up the courage to follow the map, and he languished in its treasure. This is what he did:
1. I just started off at that red rotten apple core, just like it shows on the map, see here?
2. Then I walked about 75 paces east, until I saw my first empty Steel Reserve beer can
3. After that, just as the map says, I went another 100 paces South, and took a left past the second empty Steel Reserve can.
4. After passing the dirty, mostly eaten twinkie, I knew I was close. I could almost taste that treasure...
5. Finally, redemption! I found the bum fountain of youth only a mere 50 blocks from my starting point! I came upon a young businessman in a suit. He was so busy planning for his work day that he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my hand so that I would leave him alone. These bums are right, this really is paradise!
Dr. Sullivan has not been heard from since this interview. He has not shown up at his archaeology position at the museum, and it is believed he has assumed the life of a hermit. Or a bum. either way, it seems as though this man has managed to find true happiness.
Or, to put it more poetically
Dr. Sullivan may only be found...
in bum heaven.
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