People Liking Joakim Noah Causes Distant Planet To Explode

Super-intelligent beings from the millions-of-light-years-away planet of Qwakzal Nine worried about what took place last night for years and years. These beings had inhabited the Earth-like ninth planet of the Qwakzal solar system for thousands of years. Beyond their own planet, this species had brought their influence and dominant presence to many other planets in the universe. They had even brought some of their brilliance to Earth, as Qwakzal Nine is the home planet of James Carville.

Here on Earth, we are a much simpler people. We have drive and motivation to reach the stars but many of us are content with drinking a six pack and shouting at our TV most nights. Caught up in the middle of a NBA renaissance, many people in the Greater Midwest had started to care about the underdog Chicago Bulls' quest to take down the defending champion Boston Celtics.

The book of the Qwakzalians, the Tribizron, similar to our Bible on Earth, spoke of an Armageddon, similar to the Bible's book of Revelation. In the Tribizron, it is outlined that there will be a conundrum of epic proportions one day, and this paradox will be so complex and astounding that it will defy all logic, therefore causing all physical laws on Qwakzal Nine to not exist, and the planet would blow up. Nobody would have been able to see it coming and stop it. Not even the Qwakzal Nine version of Bruce Willis. They could have only hoped for that kind of luck.

So most Qwakzalians lived out their life and didn't worry about when or where this great tragedy would occur. But when they least expected, it did occur last night on our ever so distant and ever so simple planet of Earth in our little simple basketball game. It involved a great play by Bulls forward Joakim Noah and Here's how it happened.

This caused an unprecedented chain of reactions in which people decided they actually kinda like Joakim Noah and think he is a good basketball player. For a while we knew only Verne Lundquist had a hard on for Noah (now at least we know Lundquist is not from Qwakzal Nine, but I'm still fairly confident he's an alien from somewhere) but nobody outside of UF came even close to liking him. Before that play everyone complained about Noah's ridiculous "push" free throw shot, his 5-foot shooting radius, his greasy hair, his snaggleteeth, and his attitude. (Trust me, the list could continue forever but unfortunately we are limited by time and space.) Contrarily, after that moment, they admired his hustle and his drive, perhaps even his "swagger". They were more than excited that he made the play of the night, and perhaps the play of the entire NBA Playoffs.

By the time James Carville logged onto Facebook and saw everyone's status being about how they love Noah for making that play, he knew it was too late, the most epic paradoxes of paradoxes had occurred. Carville is now homeless, and the universe has lost one hell of a planet. RIP Quakzal Nine, we will miss you.