Enberg's Graduation Speech Thrills Hundreds; Only 42 Fall Asleep

Students, faculty, family, and other interesting characters were on hand for Marquette University's Commencement ceremony this morning at the Bradley Center, and the ceremony did not disappoint. The Bradley Center was packed to the rafters by the 9:30 AM start, and when graduates started walking onto the floor by 9:34, there was an eruption of applause. Whether the loud applause was for the fact that a university function started only four minutes late or if it was to congratulate the graduates is irrelevant, because the place was rocking. Despite one senior's attempt to blast 'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC over the sound system, graduates marching out to the tune of 'Pomp and Circumstance' and the applause of the audience filled the room with a fantastic atmosphere.

Three drunken basketball fans appeared to be lost and when they started heckling College of Communication graduates and throwing things from the upper deck, telling them to "Get some real degrees and make some free throws for once!" Security promptly tazed them and removed them from the facility.


These guys were pretty bad. They even had the wrong color.

The ceremony went off without a hitch as degrees were awarded to the class of 2009 in a variety of fields. Longtime broadcaster and owner of "the voice", Dick Enberg, 74, provided the Commencement Speech and told a captivating story about how he knew Al McGuire. Several juniors in attendance brought a case of beer and shotgunned one every time Enberg mentioned McGuire, so needless to say they were pretty hammered by the end of the speech. Marquette basketball fans were thrilled with Enberg's tales of the legendary coach, but people who did not know of McGuire were quite confused about the speech's relevance. Several audience members were put into a light sleep while listening to Enberg's grandfather-esque, soothing voice.

A father of a graduate then made a side comment to his wife saying, "Al McGuire wasn't even that good of a coach, its not like he was Bobby Knight or anything." Security also tazed this man and sent him out on the streets where he met up with the three drunken hecklers, and the four of them went to Turner Hall for a pitcher of Miller Lite.

Meanwhile, Enberg managed to wrap his speech up in a very positive and uplifting manner. He told graduates of how they should always say "thank you" and live their lives to the fullest because they had many more dreams to achieve. Somewhere in there was a remark about how C+ students rule the world, so many underachievers stopped zoning out when they heard that and began to think big. Only God can help us now.

As degrees were awarded, graduates went buck wild with silly string, a variety of noisemakers, and stink bombs. In their craziness, the friends and family members of graduates looked down and smiled upon the new class of 2009 and relished in their happiness. Everyone in attendance pretended to know the words to the 'Alma Mater' and swayed to its tune as the ceremony wrapped up.


Parents from the upper deck:
"Which one is she?"
"Oh, I think she's the one with the square hat."

After the ceremony, only 27 cars rammed into each other upon everyone leaving the Bradley Center at once and MPD considered that to be a success and a model of traffic management for years to come. Marquette is reporting that they made approximately $1.4 million off of concession and ticket sales for the event and that money will go towards "something or another" according to the administration. University President Robert A. Wild will be putting together an exploratory committee to search for more people who once knew Al McGuire so they can speak at next year's graduation.


Total chaos on State Street after the ceremony. This doesn't even show the half of it because people hadn't gotten to their cars yet.