Cash Cab Gameshow Ends in Horrific Car Accident

A terrible tragedy has struck cable television today. That guy that reads the Cash Cab trivia questions has perished today in a completely unforeseeable and totally unsurprising accident, occurring at 3:22 am this morning. While posing pointless yet seemingly obvious questions toward his 5 college aged prodigies, each of whom have helped to raise 1 million dollars for Aids prevention, world hunger prevention, and/or home building for endangered species, the Cash Cab guy took a wrong turn down a one way street. An oncoming bus, late for its last stop, struck the cab at an estimated 110 MPH and decapitated every individual riding in the overly-light mini-van. There were no survivors. If you care, contact 555-555-5555 to talk to the other person who cares. Otherwise, keep on living your life. Nobody really watched the Cash Cab on purpose anyways. Although trivia tv shows will never be the same, at lest we still have Jeopardy, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Hollywood Squares, Weakest Link, Greed, Family Feud...

Great American Smokeout Student-President Caught Smoking

Nonsensical series of "your mom" jokes leads to new decision of "Well, I guess they aren't really all that bad."

Students awoke on a typical Wednesday morning ready for class but little did they know a deadly standoff was ensuing outside of the Alumni Memorial Union. Avid smoker Jake Kopaczinski, who admitted to us that he proudly smokes 3 packs of camel unfiltered daily, decided that a cigarette would go fantastic with his Einstein Bagel and it would really complete his balanced breakfast. The recent measures taken from students participating in the Great American Smokeout did not force Kopaczinski to smoke outside of the chalk line that represents legal smoking distance from a building. Kopaczinski lit up directly outside of the Northwest AMU 2nd floor doors and had his morning breakfast, or what he calls his "smokenabagel". "It was raining, it was cold, I love Motley Crue, but I'm not gonna go smoke in the boys room. What do you really want me to do?"

According to Jeremy Caldwell, student president of the Great American Smokeout, you shouldn't smoke at all, and unfortunately for Kopaczinski, Caldwell happened to be walking by the AMU that morning. According to multiple eyewitness accounts, the altercation between the two went something like this:

Caldwell: What the hell are you doing!!
Kopaczinski: What the hell are you doing?
Caldwell: Smoking? Inside that line? Do you know who drew that line?
Kopaczinski: Uhhh, your mom?
Caldwell: Well guess what, your mom told me last night that you shouldn't smoke, especially inside the legal line
Kopaczinski: Well since your mom drew that line, she told me I could smoke in it, because she likes the way I smoke her
Caldwell: Ok, this is getting to ridiculous, I don't even know what that means
Kopaczinski: Your mom is ridiculous
Caldwell: We could do this for hours, but seriously, smoking kills, and I could call DPS and have you arrested
Kopaczinski: You don't even know anything, have you ever had a cig in your life?
Caldwell: No, I haven't, like your mom and I said, smoking kills
Kopaczinski: If you finish this cig, I will never smoke inside the line ever again. I'll even pretend to quit. I'll get your mom to help me.
Caldwell: Fine. Sounds like a deal to me. But stay away from my mom.

After a few puffs and coughs, Caldwell had absorbed a solid amount of nicotine, especially with his low tolerance. "Wow, this stuffs kinda good. I'm feelin buzzzzed," stated an elated Caldwell. Caldwell then went to all of his classes feeling great and absorbed a good amount of information. "I felt alert, but also relaxed, I managed to get all of my homework done directly after class, and I've never been that motivated." Wanting to feel great and study harder, Caldwell then went to Open Pantry and cleaned out most of their racks of nicotine products. On his way back to his apartment, Caldwell was throwing packs of cigs at the homeless and telling them to smoke up and have a great day. His nicotine binge Wednesday night was unlike any other and had almost aderol like effects on his concentration. In his good mood, Caldwell managed to complete an entire research paper that was due a whole month later.

Early Thursday morning, Caldwell met with his closest friends and decided it was time for the Great American Smokeout to become the Great American Smoke-In. Once these kids tried cigarettes for the first times in their lives, they were bouncing of the walls and trying to cram as many into their mouths as they could. A study room was rented in the library that was supposed to serve as a kickoff event for this smoke-in. However, when all of the students lit up at once in the airtight room, they began to suffer the effects of oxygen deprivation and passed out. DPS luckily arrived on the scene quickly, opened the doors and rehabilitated everyone to a safe level.


This wasn't just smoke in mirrors, whatever that expression is supposed to mean.

Caldwell managed to prove his point, I guess smoking will kill you, but only if you're that stupid.

Sports Sunday!

NFL Commish Roger Goodell Announces Fantasy Football Will Switch Places With Real Football For 2009 Season

Despite the fact that many NFL training camps are less than a week away for most of our nation's football teams, Comissioner Roger Goodell (right) believes he has come up with a solution for the leagues problems that is nothing short of a complete overhaul. These problems, mainly economic woes and extreme thuggism, have threatened to destroy everything the NFL has created and has been plauging Goodell's tenure as commish for some time. With disgraced players like Micheal Vick, Plaxico Burress, and Pacman "make it rain" Jones running from the law and attempting to get back into the league, Goodell has finally found a way to bar those convicts from making an insane amount of money again.

In a press conference hosted live on nfl.com, Goodell informed the nation that America's top fantasy football players were currently being traded for America's top football athletes. LaDanian Tomlinson, of the San Diego Chargers, was the first to be traded. He ended up being sent to Erica Belvidere's basement in suburban Wauwatosa, Wisconsin in exchange for Belvidere's son, Tony, a 32 year old computer programmer and FFL champ who used to live in the basement. Looks like Tomlinson won't be holding out on his contract for more money any more, at least, until he finishes vaccuming and doing the dishes. There, he will operate the team "Farve4Ever!!1" where he hopes to capitalize on a high draft pick and go for the 6th consecutive "TOSA PRO'S N BRO'S!!" league title.

Everyone is excited for this new breed of football, which despite being much less athletic and skilled, will be full of fresh, hard working, and charismatic faces. None of the players will complain about anything because, well, they had to give up on their real football dreams years and years ago and made the switch over to fantasy football, where they can win at the sport without ever moving (some of the more obese FFL players will actually make good defensive tackles). Even the fraternity Lambda Lambda Lambda from 'Revenge of the Nerds' has gotten in on the fun. These fantasy studs have been tearing up the internet for so long, they've been chosen to replace one of the NFL's most succesful franchises, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and were even gifted with the Steelers' 2008 Lombardi Trophy (pictured left, despite the fact that Goodell had to pry it from Troy Polumalu's hair when Polumalu claimed it was "lost" and he "had never seen it").


Marquette Student Forcefully Removed From British Open

Derrick O'Reilley, a MU senior in the College of Communications, who is currently studying abroad across the pond, was removed from the grounds of the British Open this afternoon. A PGA spokesperson said that O'Reilley gathered with a group of other specators and watched Tom Watson tee off during the four hole playoff Sunday afternoon. The spokesperson went on to say that after Watson's tee shot, O'Reilley slightly yelled "Get in the hole!" but he yelled it so unenthusiastically that he had to be removed from the course. PGA officials were disqusted with his lack of enthusiasm and told him to even go back to America while they verbally abused him for hours.

"I was pretty upset. Here I am, just a 21 year old student trying to experience life and this guy comes over and tells me I'm not yelling loud enough at a golf match?" O'Reilley said, "I suppose, it is a major, and its on TV, so they want ridiculousness for the ratings and such, but I'm a man of respect."

The PGA now wants you to know, when you yell "Get in the hole!" directly after a tee shot, you better mean it. Otherwise, you will be forcefully restrained, and forced to leave without even getting a chance to visit the 19th hole.


OJ Mayo Finally Admits To Accepting Gifts While At USC

All summer long, reports have surfaced that star NBA and former USC guard OJ Mayo (left) received payment and gifts during his brief year as a student athlete. Despite the original story that Mayo once called ex-coach Tim Floyd on his cellphone without any previous contact to tell him: "I'm showin' up. I'm playin' for you," allegations have said that Floyd made a direct payment to an associate of Mayo in order to recruit him to USC. Mayo and his agent have now produced a statement saying yes, those allegations are true, however, the gifts and payments in question were "gag gifts" that were involved in an elaborate series of pranks and jokes. Nothing of legitimate value outside of a joke shop was ever exchanged. There was no money, cars or televisions used to entice Mayo to sign with USC or to win games once at USC. The exchanges in question were just funny gifts, because Mayo is a fun-loving and quite the jokester.

"Hell no, I ain't takin cash from Timmy!" Mayo explained when cornered on the street. "One day he gave me some fake dog poo so I could prank some guys in their dorm room. Then I bought him a whoopee cushion to put under the athletic director's desk. That was hilarious! He also gave me a zombie hand for Halloween, I got a kick out of it. If you want to call that payments or gifts. Then that's cool, but it ain't nothin."

Nobody is quite sure if this is in violation of NCAA policies, but everything exchanged is now under question and the NCAA has seized the property involved. A few items from the very long list of gag gifts include: an authentic fart machine, multiple whoopee cushions, a Richard Nixon mask, a Bill Clinton mask, plastic bloody limbs, and something that is supposedly called "a jagon".
Since being fired due to these allegations, ex-coach Tim Floyd has refused to speak to the media but the Chicago Tribune has reported that he recently sent a pile of fake vomit in the mail to Bulls Chairman and former boss Jerry Reinsdorf. That'll show him.

The Latest From Charlie Brown's Visit To North Korea

"Wow. This economy IS getting rearry bad!"

Illinois Sen. Roland Burris Reporteldly Hoping Former Gov. Rod Blagojevich Appoints Him To U.S. Presidency

Burris' Senate Term Set To Expire After 2010 Mid-Term Election, But Hopes A Promotion Will Soon Follow

Current Illinois Senator Roland Burris rolled through Milwaukee and the Marquette campus to celebrate the FIB (Fucking Illinois Bastard) Convention/Block Party that is hosted once a year in front of the AMU. This elaborate festival, which celebrates Illinoisans being as annoying as possible during their stays in Wisconsin, was going off without a hitch (aka running out of Italian Beef and Old Style) until Burris decided not only to attend the festival but also to "Rep the people!" while he was there, as he called it.

About mid ceremony, Burris ran up to the podium, turned off the music and grabbed the mic. "Yo! I'm tha junior senator from Illinoiiiiisss, can I get an AMEN?" Despite the fact that he wasn't even in his home state, a crowd of drunken festival attendees still started chanting, "RESIGN! RESIGN! RESIGN!" Eventually, this crowd realized Burris would never do such a thing and they got bored of chanting. Once the rambunctious crowd quieted down a bit, Burris began to ramble on at the people in attendance:

"I think its so great we can all come together and celebrate our heritage from the great state of Illinois where I am tha JUNIOR SENATOR! Naw many peoples have been worried about what I'm gonna do, and I'm gonna give you folk a chance to hear me out naw, hear me out. I may be the junior senator now but I'm tellin y'all bein the junior senator ain't no gravy train, no sir. Y'all prolly heard I ain't gonna run for that re election down the road in 2010 and y'all prolly did a dance in the streets naw, haha. You know, that whole thing where I was locked outta tha capitol building cuz thems didn't believe me that I was a junior senator, that wasn't no fun so I changed my mind on what I'm gonna do to serve you folk.

One of these days good ol Barack Obamas yeah he's doin' a great job down there and he's gonna get promoted like any normal good fella would. Hell, he'll probably be chancellor of the galaxy or somethin' like that so once that happens my good ol buddy Rod Blago, Blagojak, Blajoy-oh-vitch yeah well he gonna hook me up with Baracko's job and I'm gonna be able to serve all y'all in an even better fashion. Its gonna be one hell of a glory day for the state of Illinois when I am the presidente of these here United States, ill tell ya that..."

Burris speech would have continued, but it was too difficult for him to keep talking during a firestorm of Old Style bottles coming like fastballs at his head. Its difficult to predict what else Burris would have had to say but we can only guess it involves the phrases 'I am a junior senator' and 'I want to serve you folk'. He would have probably said what he wanted to accomplish as President, but we would have to guess it is close to 'absolutely nothing'.


Dang! He/She must be a Republican, that looks like its gonna be a knockout!

As of right now, Burris' first term as Junior Senator from Illinois is going to expire Jan 1, 2011 and he does not plan to seek re-election, mainly because the Democratic Party won't let him. Burris was appointed earlier this year by impeached governor Rod Blagojevich and controversy has seemed to follw him everywhere. Burris made the official announcement on Friday that he would not run in the election, however, with news of what he's spoken over the weekend, it is possible we will see Burris in politics well beyond that date, or never, depending on when Barack Obama gets promoted to Supreme Chancellor of the galaxy.

Geico Caveman Found Dead in Hotel Room

Tragedy strikes Hollywood once again as Geico Caveman (name unintelligible) was found dead in his Los Angeles hotel room early this morning. Eye witnesses report spotting the 65 million year old caveman at several local clubs last night, drinking and socializing as usual. It has to be noted, however, that as the night drew to a close the famous actor became disorderly, throwing a spear and a burning torch at bartenders. After the man was ejected from his favorite bar, local police witnessed the intoxicated caveman harassing a gay couple with cave drawings and kicking a young cockerspaniel. After tailing the suspect for a couple of blocks, police claim that they saw the man flash a gun at an elderly woman and swallow a handful of pills. (However, after stopping for coffee the LA law officers were unable to locate the drug-riddled celebrity and promptly returned home.)

It is believed that the Geico spokesman slowly stumbled home, yelling at trees and drinking from dirty puddles of water before making it back to his hotel room. Around 3 am, it is reported that security was called after he attempted to seduce a room-service waiter. The waiter is not currently taking phone calls.

Cause of death has yet to be determined, but police have reported finding large amounts of crack, pepto bismal and marijuana on the caveman. The FBI had also been actively investigating the cave-american actor for tax-evasion. Although the family of the actor could not be reached for comment, due to the fact that they have been frozen in glaciers for tens of millions of years, one thing is certain: we will surely miss our favorite shaggy, sometimes senseless insurance company representative.

A prayer service is to be hosted later this week by the Geico Geko and the Afleck Duck.
Geico Caveman, you shall be missed.

"4th Of July Fireworks" Deemed Too Offensive For Country's Remaining Loyalists

Milwaukee City Officials Quickly Change Celebration To "Holiday Fireworks" To Avoid Prejudice And Onslaught Of Lawsuits

In an effort to de-offend many of its residents, or perhaps escape being "tar and feathered", the Milwaukee government has changed the name of its yearly celebration of our country's independence, Mayor Barrett announced Monday afternoon. He explained the change was based off of numerous complaints about the offensiveness of the term "Fourth of July" and he simply avoided the problem by replacing the term "Fourth of July" with "Holiday" in all of the city's festivities. Barrett was inspired to do this mainly by the massive number of municipalities around the globe, including Milwaukee, that recently changed their "Christmas Trees" to "Holiday Trees". By taking this simple step, Barrett knew the problem would be fixed rather quickly.

In his brief press conference, Barrett did not single out any group or person calling for this change. Unknown was the culprit of this complaint until later in the afternoon when the group identifying themselves as the "Loyalists" came forward and took credit for the change.



The Loyalists (above, outside of their stronghold, John Hawk's Pub, after a tasty meal of fish and chips) claim they strongly take offense to the term "4th of July" for a variety of reasons. These reasons were scribbled by quill upon a parchment that we were exclusively allowed to take a look at:


1. America bloody sucks!

2. Just because the Americans sent a piece of paper to King George on July 4th, 1776 does not mean that they became an independent country! We would have crushed them in a war if we weren't 4,000 miles across the pond! They weren't a real country until that bastard Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown so the Fourth of July is irrelevant anyways!

3. They stole The Beatles and gave them drugs and Yoko Ono!!! Bloody hell!!!

4. We will always be loyal to the Queen, the real founders of this nation by birthright!! (and by Queen we do not mean the drag ones or the rock band ones!!)

5. The 2-7's, the Gangsta Disciples, the Latin Kings or any gang in tha Mil-town ain't got nothin on us! You don't spill (err...offend) Loyalist blood and get away with it! (but you do have to hold on while we put gunpowder in our muskets.)

6. They cannot make us remember the tragedy of losing the crown! Just as you cannot force Jews to celebrate the Holocaust with fireworks...(ok maybe its not that bad but we still find it offensive and can't think of anything else!)

7. America bloody sucks even more than when we said it the bloody first time!!!!!1


Somehow those reasons were good enough to inspire the most political of correctness from our city of Milwaukee. It has been theorized that the Milwaukee government cannot stand to lose any more money to ridiculous lawsuits and prevention is the key. Aldermen continue to check their couches for loose change and cops continue to write a barrage of parking tickets but sometimes that stream of revenue is not enough.

When asked why don't they just go back to England if the American Independence is just too much to handle, the loyalists say simply, "Are you ludicrous? We don't want to pay those taxes!"

Hmmmmm, sounds familiar...

Kanye West Releases Best-Selling Album: Buys All Copies Himself

In an act of unprecedented self-love, Rapper Kanye West disclosed to Blue and Yellow-media reporters that he plans to rush-release an unannounced best-selling, award winning album next Tuesday-- and he has already bought all copies. West, who has previously set milestone achievements in the music industry (he out-sold Fiddy Cent), gaining prestige as a prodigy producer/ leach off Jay-Z's already flourishing career, prides himself on bigger, better achievements. As if his already record selling records weren't good enough, West constantly needs to outdo himself (in public, again. no ego necessary). Not only has West already bought and paid for all pre-release copies, he is only running a limited release and he has paid for all future releases, making his yet unnamed album the greatest selling CD nobody will ever hear. Fans are not really suprised, however, after his last outing, 808s and Heartbreaks, failed to show any artist talent whatsoever. Mister Ye's Bono-like self-worship is what is impressing most. Being the humble and socially aware individual he is, West was happily available for comment, stating that "This is probably the bes' work of art anybody has ever made. If Da Vinci painted music, this is what it would sound like. Even Beethoven would bump this s***." Wise and well-chosen words, spoken like a true genius, Kanye. No matter, however. West's work will surely speak for itself. And if we get lucky, maybe this best-selling unrealse will stay off the radio.

Sometimes the voice of a generation sounds best when it shuts the f*** up.

3 Students Protest Violence In Iran; The Remaining 37 Students On Campus Protest Jon & Kate Divorce Across Street

3 outgoing Marquette students (above) decided that they had seen enough. These rabble rousers wanted to show their support for their desert counterparts struggling for freedom by organizing a protest on the corner of Wisconsin Av and 12th Street. Eager to inform the city of overseas injustices, these do-gooders got on the street corner bright and early Thursday morning and began to inform pedestrians and commuters that this violence needs to stop immediately.

Kimberly Robinson, a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences, was walking to class and saw the protest. She said the people looked angry so she was positive it could only be about one thing: the breakup of Jon and Kate from the popular reality TV show Jon & Kate Plus Eight. "OMG that was the best show ever, I'm soooooooo sad," said Robinson. (she litterally said O-M-G and sooooooo)

Soon, all of the students on the almost dead MU campus began to protest on the opposite street corner about the injustices done to Jon & Kate's family. "Who will get custody of the eight kids?" was the most popular injustice and then people began to question the ethics of paparazzi taking pictures of Jon when he decided to party with college girls. "That should be kept in the private sector!" students claimed, "You must follow responsible journalism ethics!"

The students on the other corner protesting the government in Iran stood in shock and awe. One of the students almost said "WTF?" but his jaw was already locked in a wide open position.

Marquette Cracks Down On Racially Stereotypical Machinery

Stressed out from numerous meetings planning the next academic year, the Marquette board of trustees decided to take a quick break from their busy lives and escape reality. The board as a whole took a trip out to Mayfair Mall last Tuesday night for a round of shopping and then attended the midnight premier screening of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, early Wednesday morning. The board enjoyed themselves and the summer blockbuster, but there were a few loyal board members that could not check themselves out of reality and continued to think of ways that they could improve Marquette University.

One of those board members was longtime board adviser Joseph P. Smithens. Upset at the way some of the robots supposedly portrayed racial stereotypes, Smithens stood up in the theater and proclaimed he would not stand for such injustice. Teenyboppers and other teenage hooligans did not care and only proceeded to throw popcorn at him.


"Hey old dude! Shut the hell up! I'm trying to watch Shia LaBoef!!

Smithens wasted no time and got to work bright and early on the Marquette campus Wednesday morning. Despite a severe lack of sleep and almost bleeding eyes from all of Michael Bay's explosions, Smithens took a tour of the Marquette campus and determined which machinery on campus was blatantly offensive and should be removed.

The first reported causalty of the day happened at the grounds maintenance shop on the south side of campus. A longtime riding lawnmower, "Old Bessie" (right) was reported to be de-commissioned after it was determined offensive. Maintenance workers at the shop said that "Old Bessie" worked like a charm for the last few years. This lawnmower was a tad bit of a brown shade, worked hard all day in the heat, landscaped very well, had a mustache, and loved chicken enchiladas. However, Smithens said this piece of equipment was clearly created to belittle the Mexican race and should be gotten rid of immediately. The maintenace workers said they have no idea what they will do without this amazing mower but they will hopefully find a less than adequate replacement. They also said they do not know what will become of "Old Bessie" as the mower had no social security, credit, or even a green card.

After this, it was reported that several computers in IT services had been unplugged by Smithens himself. "Are you kidding me? Machines that sit in a room with no windows and crunch numbers and do other math equations perfectly? I think the Asians are getting it bad enough. These stereotypes cannot be reinforced any longer!" Nobody is sure what IT services will do without their computers but nobody is complaining either. While little Billy the incoming freshman had a question about his wireless internet, the IT service crew was seen last evening at Happy Hour in Caffrey's having a blast. Poor little Billy, hope your problem can be fixed this decade.


"They're getting rid of our computers! PARTY!"

Nobody knows where Smithens will strike next but the cafeterias are hiding their sausage making machines and all Canadians on campus have stopped saying "eh".

You heard it here first.

Avid Reality TV Fan Brett Favre Admits To Messing With The Media For His Own Entertainment

Wolverine isn't the only guy with an adimantium skeleton making some noise this summer. As you know by now, the annual decision making media circus on the status of Brett Favre's playing career is well under way. Save the details, you could basically say the gunslinger has been taking advice from John Kerry and having his breakfasts at the local Waffle House.

"Oh, am I going to retire? Yeah, probably about time to hang 'em up. But really, I could play, maybe I'll come back. Yeah! I'll come back! But then again, no, I probably shouldn't come back. But maybe I'll leave the door open a crack, or maybe all the way. Who knows," said a grinning Brett Favre in the basement of his Mississippi home.

Sure, reporters always ask that same question about retirement, yes or no, and they get a variety of answers depending upon the day. But the more important question asked to Favre that never had been asked to him before is "Why?". Well, that answer is more simple than you would think. Two words: Reality Television.

Had Brett Favre not been in the NFL and if the show was still semi-relevant, Favre admits he would have been a contestant on Survivor. Favre also was a huge fan of The Mole, The Amazing Race, American Chopper, The Real Gilligan's Island, Temptation Island, The Contender, and even Little People Big World to name a few. Favre never passed up the opportunity to catch a reality show and he said the thrill of the human experience always kept him captivated.

Citing a lack of quality reality TV beginning with a decline around late 2005, early 2006, Favre said he's had to get a little creative to get his reality TV fix. While some of the more popular shows keep churning out the same, overdone, watered down productions they've used in the past, others are completely wrong and think they can improve with an influx of Bret Michaels appearances. Favre admits watching reporters stumble around and attempt to cover what he's doing is, "Pretty damn entertaining." He says he can say something to the local newspaper in Mississippi and a couple hours later they are running around at ESPN like people in a Japanese disaster movie. "Hell, they might even make a story if I go decide to ride a tractor. Or if I'm throwing the ball around in the yard they'll say 'football legend practicing for comeback', its hilarious." Favre also admitted, "Any time you have the opportunity to do something just because you can, you should do it, like me messing with the media, just because I can."

Meanwhile at ESPN Headquarters, Bristol, CT:

"My God! Favre is coming back! What do we do? Ahhhh!"
"No he's not coming back, we were all wrong!"
"Ahhhh, if he's not coming back why did he send x-rays to the Vikings?"
"We're all gonna die!!!!"

One member of the media in particular does not appreciate Favre playing these games. Broadcaster John Madden retired this offseason on the anticipation that Favre would be gone. "The game of football will not be the same without Brett Favre, therefore I must resign from my Sunday Night Football post and drive the Maddencruiser around the country, eating multiple turduckens per day for all eternity. Brett Favre," said Madden upon retiring.

"Its not fair that he gets to go around and play all these games with people's hearts like that," added an emotional Madden, speaking in a press conference at the Pro Football Hall of Fame (right), "You know, the guy who throws the football into the endzone best is going to be the best quarterback, so Brett Favre is the best quarterback because he throws the ball into the endzone the best. That's why he should always come back. Because I, I mean, we Americans love to see Brett Favre play the game of football. But there's no reason he should trick us. If he un-retires again, then people like me are going to un-retire, and so on. It makes things kind of difficult. Brett Favre."

If Madden were to un-retire as well, his options are limited. He could save us from the mute button waiting to happen that is Chris Collinsworth at his old position on SNF, or he could choose another route and be the color man for Vikings broadcasts, potentially allowing him to spend 16 whole games with Favre (assuming Favre eventually un-retires and signs with Minnesota.) Whatever happens, we are sure it will be complete chaos and nothing less than spectacular. So here's to you Brett Favre, way to stick it to the media and give yourself a free source of good old American reality television.

Feminist Organization Attacks United States Postal Service

The feminist organization Females Attributing Tolerances Across Languages (F.A.T.A.L) has recently lashed out at the United States Postal Service (USPS) after accusations that the federal agency's long standing use of sexist jargon will no longer be tolerated in America. FATAL spokesperson Debbie O'Donnell (a single, 40-year-old woman, who has many female friends and hasn't dated since she went with a cousin to her high-school prom) had this to say: "We refuse to be bombarded with sexists words in our everyday lives any longer. We demand that the USPS change their term for postage from "mail" to "sender to sender analog-style communication." Otherwise, we simply stand by while the dominating males of our country use their own sex title to hold us women down!" FATAL also suggested a possibility of changing mail to "mail or femail" in order to maintain popular social standards. Apparently, these women are really pissed off, organized, and don't have full time jobs. Unfortunately for the USPS, FATAL is threatening to bring this case to the supreme court and one thing is for sure. Those women will sure show those chauvinistic sexist males of the USPS that complaining about trivial details is sure to accomplish nothing of any significance. The B&Y will continue to keep you posted as this story progresses.

Enberg's Graduation Speech Thrills Hundreds; Only 42 Fall Asleep

Students, faculty, family, and other interesting characters were on hand for Marquette University's Commencement ceremony this morning at the Bradley Center, and the ceremony did not disappoint. The Bradley Center was packed to the rafters by the 9:30 AM start, and when graduates started walking onto the floor by 9:34, there was an eruption of applause. Whether the loud applause was for the fact that a university function started only four minutes late or if it was to congratulate the graduates is irrelevant, because the place was rocking. Despite one senior's attempt to blast 'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC over the sound system, graduates marching out to the tune of 'Pomp and Circumstance' and the applause of the audience filled the room with a fantastic atmosphere.

Three drunken basketball fans appeared to be lost and when they started heckling College of Communication graduates and throwing things from the upper deck, telling them to "Get some real degrees and make some free throws for once!" Security promptly tazed them and removed them from the facility.


These guys were pretty bad. They even had the wrong color.

The ceremony went off without a hitch as degrees were awarded to the class of 2009 in a variety of fields. Longtime broadcaster and owner of "the voice", Dick Enberg, 74, provided the Commencement Speech and told a captivating story about how he knew Al McGuire. Several juniors in attendance brought a case of beer and shotgunned one every time Enberg mentioned McGuire, so needless to say they were pretty hammered by the end of the speech. Marquette basketball fans were thrilled with Enberg's tales of the legendary coach, but people who did not know of McGuire were quite confused about the speech's relevance. Several audience members were put into a light sleep while listening to Enberg's grandfather-esque, soothing voice.

A father of a graduate then made a side comment to his wife saying, "Al McGuire wasn't even that good of a coach, its not like he was Bobby Knight or anything." Security also tazed this man and sent him out on the streets where he met up with the three drunken hecklers, and the four of them went to Turner Hall for a pitcher of Miller Lite.

Meanwhile, Enberg managed to wrap his speech up in a very positive and uplifting manner. He told graduates of how they should always say "thank you" and live their lives to the fullest because they had many more dreams to achieve. Somewhere in there was a remark about how C+ students rule the world, so many underachievers stopped zoning out when they heard that and began to think big. Only God can help us now.

As degrees were awarded, graduates went buck wild with silly string, a variety of noisemakers, and stink bombs. In their craziness, the friends and family members of graduates looked down and smiled upon the new class of 2009 and relished in their happiness. Everyone in attendance pretended to know the words to the 'Alma Mater' and swayed to its tune as the ceremony wrapped up.


Parents from the upper deck:
"Which one is she?"
"Oh, I think she's the one with the square hat."

After the ceremony, only 27 cars rammed into each other upon everyone leaving the Bradley Center at once and MPD considered that to be a success and a model of traffic management for years to come. Marquette is reporting that they made approximately $1.4 million off of concession and ticket sales for the event and that money will go towards "something or another" according to the administration. University President Robert A. Wild will be putting together an exploratory committee to search for more people who once knew Al McGuire so they can speak at next year's graduation.


Total chaos on State Street after the ceremony. This doesn't even show the half of it because people hadn't gotten to their cars yet.

'We Are Marquette' Movie To Be Filmed

In order to boost university moral and create "an extreme togetherness and brotherhood" that will unite all undergraduates, graduates, faculty, administration, Jimmy John's delivery drivers, and that guy at the bus stop, the office of student development has commissioned a task force with one ultimate goal: to create a Marquette themed movie.

This film is rumored to be a multi-million dollar summer blockbuster that everyone will enjoy and is supposedly packed with non-stop action, humor, drama, and everything else you could ever want.

After exams were completed, several OSD staff members were locked in a conference room in the basement of Mashuda Hall and were told that they couldn't leave until they came up with "The best movie idea ever. Like even better than Armageddon." Sleepless nights were spent tossing around ideas and paper airplanes, but finally the task force was able to nail down a good foundation for this cinematic masterpiece.

"The first weekend was hard. There we were, idea less, and building mountain dew can pyramids on top of pizza boxes," explained Jim Harvey, Marquette Movie Task Force Leader, "But then it hit me, our slogan, 'We Are Marquette', lets do something with that."

The light bulb was illuminated in the rest of the task force and they began rolling with the 'We Are Marquette' idea and coming up with some great stuff. Obviously, the protagonist of the story was determined to be Dwayne Wade. The role of Wade was originally offered to Samuel L. Jackson, and then Don Cheadle, but both were rumored to be busy laying on their couch this summer. Dwayne Wade announced he was interested in playing himself and was immediately signed to a ridiculous contract.

The next mission was to give Wade a sidekick. They knew that this sidekick had to be awesome at both fighting and blowing stuff up. After Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Jackie Chan were considered, the task force finally settled on Steven Seagal (right, with shotgun), citing him as the most definite badass of American 90's B-movies, therefore perfect for the role of Dwayne Wade's awesome sidekick.

OSD was careful not to give away too much information about the highly secret plot, but mentioned it has something to do with the Marquette Men's Basketball team all dying in a plane crash, followed by new head coach Dwayne Wade and new assistant coach Steven Seagal leading a group of Jonah Hill look-alike scrubs from the Rec Center all the way to the NCAA Tournament. However, not many of the task force members could be sure about these details once Guy Ritchie was brought on to direct the film and he made the plot very confusing, much harder to follow, and not the least bit entertaining. But don't worry, it appears there are chants of 'We Are Marquette' galore, car chases on Wisconsin Avenue, explosions in Raynor Library, and numerous scenes of Seagal fighting Nazis.


Seagal: "Henchmen with a mustache and a baseball bat? Is that the best you can do. Weak."

Student reaction to this mega blockbuster has been good so far. Since most students already left campus for it to dry up, we were lucky enough to find one student willing to give an interview. Freshman turning Sophomore Jodi Hansen was walking past the Varsity Theater and was lost and looking for a ride home but she stopped to give us a few words. "Wow. That sounds really cool. I love Dwayne Wade, he's cute. Who is Steven Seagal? I think they should put in Orlando Bloom! Tee hee, he's cute too. Oh my God that sounds like a scary story though I hope everyone is okay! See ya later I gotta go find my stuff, and a ride."

The movie will be filmed on location at Marquette and in Milwaukee, bringing revenue into the city that probably only the mob bosses will benefit from. The movie is also expected to be complete to watch on the lawn in the evening after the first day of school in the fall, but only if there were enough prepositional phrases in the previous sentence for you. WE ARE MARQUETTE (if you haven't already heard that enough)!!!1

Things To Do In Summer

Trust me, the b&Y wouldn't let you leave the fine (and freshly sodded) campus of Marquette without informing you and helping you find plenty of stuff to do in the long break that some like to call "summer". Others call it "incredible boredom" or "ragetastic drinkfest" or even "vacacion de el verano!". Regardless of what you call it, having a plan for yourself and your activities is essential and the b&Y will give you tips and even a potential road map on how to get to the ever-so-elusive summer paradise.

We know some of you already got kicked out of the dorms and were forced to head back to Kane County, the home of the "cougars", or whatever respective county your from. But others of you are hanging around here waiting for your landlord to kick you out of your apartment at the end of your lease. It doesn't matter where you are, as long as your north of the border and out of the drug war, because our tips our foolproof despite your region. Things to do, here we go!

1. Get A Job - You might think getting a job is hard. False. All you have to do is show up somewhere without being hired. Walk down to the boat dock in Milwaukee and start tying some knots. If a rich guy doesn't throw a couple dollars at you then you're obviously not cut out for pretending to do manual labor and you gotta go somewhere else. Try walking into one of the dorms and taking something apart, then turn a time card into the Office of Residence Life. If they catch you, hopefully you found something a freshman forgot in their dorm and you can sell it on Craigslist to make up for the paycheck you're not getting. If you're at home, there's no shortage of big box stores and conglomerates you can pretend to work for. Make yourself noticed by offering sweet new slogans to the marketing department. Get crazy, start overhauling the stores, you're only going to get noticed with crazy antics and major changes. How else do you think Michael Scott got a job as a regional manager?


We've Got Wood? The Home Depot will increase its sales by 500% after your ideas for sweet new slogans.

2. Don't get a job. Jobs really don't float people's boats sometimes. It has been proven by a recent b&Y survey that having a job significantly decreases people's fun. Think of how many hard drugs you can take without all those pesky drug tests and early morning work shifts. You're most likely going to be locked in a light-less warehouse with Scooby Stub Arms and Kenny the High School Dropout unloading a truck and making minimum wage. Although you might be able to turn this experience into a hilarious motion picture later in your life, it might not be worth it because you're summer is valuable. Remember, you only get so many (unless you decide to become a super senior, then you get a bonus one!)

3. Write on a newspaper/blog. You know you want to, and we'll hire you! Because if I choose to do either option #1 or option #2, this won't give me a lot of time. We might not be able to offer much compensation, unless you like Keystone Light. We have plenty of that. So come around and participate in the everlasting search for the Keystolope (because who doesn't like looking for a prize that doesn't actually do anything?) Please send in your application on a grease stained crumpled up piece of paper with illegible handwriting, that aught to work just fine.

These are the only things we can give you suggestions on right now. Weak, right? Yeah, I know. But keep reading this blog for tips four through one thousand and thirty-seven, they will be good. I guess this just only whets your appetite and will make you come back for more, because we're that good. Look for TDIS over the course of the summer! The ongoing series will be updated weekly (or whenever the hell we want) just for you, so enjoy!

Student Writes "BRB" On Car To Avoid Parking Ticket, Cops Respond With Ticket Saying "WTF?!?"

Late Friday afternoon, Sheila Anderson came back from working a short shift downtown at Pick-And-Save and parked her 1987 Chrysler LeBaron in front of her residence at 855 N. 15th Street. Fully aware that the 800 block of 15th street is designated as a 2 hour parking zone, Sheila thought she could outsmart Milwaukee Parking Enforcement by scribbling “BRB” on a crumpled up sheet of paper and then taping it to her driver's side window.

“I was tired, I really didn’t feel like parking north of State Street. Not only is it totally sketch, but it takes too much time to walk that extra block, especially when you’ve been on your feet at work.”

We at the blue and YELLOW agree, walking one block officially sucks. Our condolences go out to the folks in Mashuda Hall, may your treks to campus be filled with happy thoughts to keep your mind off all that stress the hike creates.

Despite our agreements and condolences, Milwaukee Parking Enforcement does not feel the same way. An anonymous MPE spokesman had this to say, “We don’t agree with your stance, but we will fight to the death for your right to have that stance. Wait a minute, no we won’t. You’re on your own.”

MPE officially began to pursue action when the officer on duty realized Anderson’s LeBaron was parked in the same spot for 2 hours and 1.5 minutes. Quickly, the officer inspected the vehicle and noticed the “BRB” sign. He then took the “BRB” sign off of the car and quickly wrote a parking ticket that said “WTF?!?”

Anderson noticed the ticket on Friday night after coming back from an intense night of boozing at Murphy’s. Anderson took the ticket, ripped it into shreds, threw the shreds into the air and tried to kick them on their way down in a drunken rage. Despite breaking the city’s parking laws, Anderson thought the BRB was enough to justify her wrongdoing because she would have eventually been right back to move the car.

The next morning an enraged Anderson sent an angry voicemail to City Hall. Mayor Tom Barrett decided not to red flag this angry message with the Department of Homeland Security and when asked to comment on the message he replied with simply, “LOL!” Barrett decided to then hold a press conference announcing he was officially raising the parking fines to increase city revenue.

Sounding suspicious, I was able to sneak away from the press conference and broke into Mayor Barrett’s office. (I stole a security pass from an intern and then placed a piece of tape over the lock of the door earlier that day.) After a bit of snooping, I found Barrett’s plan to secretly funnel the parking violation revenues into a fund that will go towards building a gold throne. This mayoral throne will be placed above the clock in the top of City Hall’s south tower, where Barrett can look over his domain. After sifting though other boring accounting spreadsheets detailing corrupt money transfers, I finally found the schematics of the plan. A bootleg Microsoft paint drawing of Barrett wearing a gold crown, sitting on his gold throne, and holding a golden sword brought laughter to my heart and tears to my eyes.



I thought to myself, no wonder they write so many parking tickets these days. However, I decided against telling the rest of the press of Barrett’s plans. Mainly because I think it’s a freakin sweet idea and those “uptight press-types” would try to stop him from doing this. Basically just don’t park illegally anymore and you’ll be fine.

Hippie Gets Way Too High, Gains Motivation, Gets a Real Job

26-year-old Neo-Hippie Chris P. Johnston was a simple stoner. He worked at the local Taco Bell, played way too much World of Warcraft, and was ranked 15th nationally in Guitar Hero III. On the weekends, he would enjoy long walks on the beach, a good book, or poetry writing sessions, all super high. However, after one particularily long day of work, Chris got mega-blazed and something odd happened. His girlfriend, Moonbeam Smith-Patrick, says she noticed an immediate change; the intoxicant had an inverse effect on Chris' brain. Chris, obviously too high for his own good, decided to clean up his room. Then his house. Then he sold his skateboard and guitar to buy a suit for job interviews. The bad buds somehow changed the chemistry of Chris' brain so much that he gained a god-like motivation to improve his situation. Within two weeks of the incident, Mr. Johnston was clean cut, dressed to kill, and on track for three potential salaried jobs on the east side of Milwaukee, with more interviews lined up. Johnston himself could not be reached for a proper interview, saying that he has much more important things to do. The Blue and Yellow just wants to say to Chris, "Go get 'em kid." Just don't start an underground newspaper that is better than ours.

Finals Week III

Cubs Fan Walks Into Differential Equations Exam, Looks At Test, Then Promptly Leaves Saying, "Maybe Next Year."

There's really not much more of a story to go along with this headline. I could do it, but I'm tired. Good news is I'll leave it up to your imagination, because FINAL EXAMS ARE OVER!!! Well, unless you have a Friday 3:30, in which case we're all contemplating how you are still alive at this point. I guess God only knows and the b&Y wishes you the best of luck!

Now, the real question is, will we be posting over summer? You'll just have to check back and look now won't ya? In the meantime...RAGE ON MARQUETTE!

Finals Week II

Student Claims To "Live Dangerously", Eats Cafeteria Ground Beef Before Finals

Eric Morrow, a freshman in the College of Health Sciences, is a fan of living dangerously. Every time Morrow makes a decision, he thinks, "what is the riskiest move I can make here." He feeds off of adrenaline constantly, and now, he's also feeding on...ground beef?

Morrow lists "living dangerously" as his first Facebook interest and he's out to prove it. Nobody or nothing will stop him of achieving this goal. He claims that in his freshman year alone, he has repelled off of the 16th street parking structure, bungee jumped off the Hoan Bridge, and swam in the nearly frozen and highly polluted Milwaukee River. He also claims he could list even more stunts but the interview would have taken forever and he may or may not be arrested.

Regardless, his new challenge many thought was nearly impossible, eat ground beef from a Marquette cafeteria right before his Chemistry final. But then he proved it was possible. Morrow's huge risk went off on Thursday without a hitch. Morrow is now calling for everyone to do the same, take a risk! The only question is: do you feel lucky?

Finals Week I

Hey UPS Guy, Your Job Is To Deliver My Book, Not To Judge Me
by Ben Koeller, Noted Slacker

Yeah, so what? I ordered my accounting book a week before the final. Not bad, I've done worse. But when I get that book fresh off amazon.com for ten bucks, I expect the delivery people to be courteous and professional, not smart-ass Adam Sandler wannabes.

"Little late to be getting you book, eh?"

"Little late for you to have already SHUT THE FUCK UP."

I prefer to be vulgar, it gets my point across much better. But seriously, just because I've slept through this class for an hour three days a week (see photo at left) and have done none of the homework assignments is no excuse for you to mouth off to me. I'll pass the class, don't worry about me. Your job is to deliver my book then worry about your other deliveries, not me! I'm a big boy. Save the judging for God when I make it to the pearly gates.

I don't know if this guy was trying to be funny, or even just clever, but my advice to him is say nothing except "hey dude sign this funky little pad thingy" the next time he encounters other late in the year book buyers, because that was the most un-funny thing I've witnessed since I saw The Dukes of Hazzard in theaters.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a nice guy, but I can't stand the feeble attempts at humor. Just because you are an adult this means you have a license to say things in public that aren't funny? WRONG! I was moving out of my dorm last year and some other guys are moving this huge flat screen out of the elevator and some random guy who has never met anyone there in his life before says, "What, did these guys come to school to study or to watch TV?" Then he chuckled to himself. I was so mad I threw a cinder block into the TV then I started strangling this guy like I was Anton Sugar and I shouted, "Don't tell a joke unless its a JOKE! And then make sure its FUNNY! AAAAGHHH!" Then I fled the scene.



Sorry if that was a bit of a rant, or a little off topic, but when the UPS Man judges you for your packages, it gets me a little riled up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to The Bridge and pretend like I'm reading this accounting book I just bought.