Marquette Cracks Down On Racially Stereotypical Machinery

Stressed out from numerous meetings planning the next academic year, the Marquette board of trustees decided to take a quick break from their busy lives and escape reality. The board as a whole took a trip out to Mayfair Mall last Tuesday night for a round of shopping and then attended the midnight premier screening of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, early Wednesday morning. The board enjoyed themselves and the summer blockbuster, but there were a few loyal board members that could not check themselves out of reality and continued to think of ways that they could improve Marquette University.

One of those board members was longtime board adviser Joseph P. Smithens. Upset at the way some of the robots supposedly portrayed racial stereotypes, Smithens stood up in the theater and proclaimed he would not stand for such injustice. Teenyboppers and other teenage hooligans did not care and only proceeded to throw popcorn at him.


"Hey old dude! Shut the hell up! I'm trying to watch Shia LaBoef!!

Smithens wasted no time and got to work bright and early on the Marquette campus Wednesday morning. Despite a severe lack of sleep and almost bleeding eyes from all of Michael Bay's explosions, Smithens took a tour of the Marquette campus and determined which machinery on campus was blatantly offensive and should be removed.

The first reported causalty of the day happened at the grounds maintenance shop on the south side of campus. A longtime riding lawnmower, "Old Bessie" (right) was reported to be de-commissioned after it was determined offensive. Maintenance workers at the shop said that "Old Bessie" worked like a charm for the last few years. This lawnmower was a tad bit of a brown shade, worked hard all day in the heat, landscaped very well, had a mustache, and loved chicken enchiladas. However, Smithens said this piece of equipment was clearly created to belittle the Mexican race and should be gotten rid of immediately. The maintenace workers said they have no idea what they will do without this amazing mower but they will hopefully find a less than adequate replacement. They also said they do not know what will become of "Old Bessie" as the mower had no social security, credit, or even a green card.

After this, it was reported that several computers in IT services had been unplugged by Smithens himself. "Are you kidding me? Machines that sit in a room with no windows and crunch numbers and do other math equations perfectly? I think the Asians are getting it bad enough. These stereotypes cannot be reinforced any longer!" Nobody is sure what IT services will do without their computers but nobody is complaining either. While little Billy the incoming freshman had a question about his wireless internet, the IT service crew was seen last evening at Happy Hour in Caffrey's having a blast. Poor little Billy, hope your problem can be fixed this decade.


"They're getting rid of our computers! PARTY!"

Nobody knows where Smithens will strike next but the cafeterias are hiding their sausage making machines and all Canadians on campus have stopped saying "eh".

You heard it here first.