Marquette Goes Even 'Greener' By Eliminating Food In Dining Halls

Yeah, that's the dinner bell...but dinner is not ready, so don't come and get it. According to a survey conducted by the Office of Residence Life, the attempts to save our planet taken by the dining halls recently (shown by the promotional poster at the right) have worked perfectly. Students disclosed that they loved it and welcomed all changes with open arms.

Jim McMahon, Dean of Residence Life, conducted this highly scientific survey by walking around the Cobeen Hall cafeteria Friday afternoon and forcing people to talk to him. He said everything he found out from the students really helped put the effects of the changes into perspective. McMahon then offered us a look at some of the quotes he had written down from his surveys:

"I don't mind at all that the plates are scolding hot and we have to carry them with our bare hands. This doesn't hurt at all."

"I think its really cool how we can't carry everything at once and we have to keep getting up every time we need to get more than one thing. Its a great use of my time."

"What's even better than having no trays is when there is a shortage of plates and silverware. I never knew macaroni and cheese was finger food that you could eat off of the table!"

McMahon had hundreds of quotes that were similar to these and said none of them were at all spoken in a sarcastic tone. Since the results McMahon found were so positive, him and his brain trust over in Carpenter Hall at the Office of Residence Life put together a few more changes to go even greener.

First, they decided that all dining halls should stop serving food, which went into effect this Sunday morning. This decision was reached by the ORL when they realized how non-green food actually is. One ORL staff member even called it "purple" and said that "Cooking food wastes energy, and then most food goes to waste anyways, it gets thrown out in the cafeteria, or it gets eaten and ultimately goes to waste at the end of the digestive system." Some graphs and phrases were drawn on a white board and the ORL ultimately came to the conclusion that trays = bad, no trays = green, green = good, therefore, no trays = good. Then they applied this logic to food: food = energy, energy = not green, therefore: food = not green, no food = green, therefore: no food = good.

This decision was lauded by many other universities as fine planet saving work, but many students awoke Sunday morning and were very confused. Naturally, nobody knew what to do and chaos in the streets ensued. Students took to the streets with their only possession, their MUID cards, and attempted to use their dining dollars at local off-campus establishments. However, local merchants had no idea what these new "make believe food dollars" were and could not assess any monetary value to them. Students were enraged when not even Ronald McDonald would accept their dining dollars or meal swipes. The front window of the McDonald's at 23rd and Wisconsin was smashed by an angry mob looking to loot burger patties.

The situation was finally calmed when Marquette Gyros and Real Chili opened their doors and began exchanging slave labor for food. Gus, the owner of gyros, had students make his bed, clean his floors with a toothbrush, and paint his walls. Real Chili had students try to clean up their back room to avoid future health code violations, but soon students were turned away from doing this, as two students became seriously ill with the swine flu.

As for the dining halls, they are greener than ever, and every green thumb in the upper Midwest is extremely happy at the efficient system that Marquette has designed. Contrarily, the staff of the dining halls still remains disgruntled. Despite not cooking any food or cleaning, the staff claims that they do too much work and do not get paid enough for all of the work they do. A labor union could be forming and if not, a strike will ensue. Marquette would be wise to give into the demands of the workers for public image, but the University is rumored to have an army of illegal Venezuelan immigrants hiding in the basement of the AMU that can deployed at any time for cheap labor.


"What do we want? Less work! What do we want? Higher pay! And what else do we want? Free movies from Blockbuster every week!"

Despite the utter chaos brewing on campus, McMahon believes that this is only due to the one day transition and students will still adjust accordingly. "They just have to realize how to be green, because green is good, it saves our planet. They should chill out and watch that Al Gore movie, then they'd understand." So you heard it here first MU, chill out and listen to Al Gore, and then maybe throw on Gandhi after that and take notes from the master, because you might not be eating for some time.