Despite the fact that many NFL training camps are less than a week away for most of our nation's football teams, Comissioner Roger Goodell (right) believes he has come up with a solution for the leagues problems that is nothing short of a complete overhaul. These problems, mainly economic woes and extreme thuggism, have threatened to destroy everything the NFL has created and has been plauging Goodell's tenure as commish for some time. With disgraced players like Micheal Vick, Plaxico Burress, and Pacman "make it rain" Jones running from the law and attempting to get back into the league, Goodell has finally found a way to bar those convicts from making an insane amount of money again.In a press conference hosted live on nfl.com, Goodell informed the nation that America's top fantasy football players were currently being traded for America's top football athletes. LaDanian Tomlinson, of the San Diego Chargers, was the first to be traded. He ended up being sent to Erica Belvidere's basement in suburban Wauwatosa, Wisconsin in exchange for Belvidere's son, Tony, a 32 year old computer programmer and FFL champ who used to live in the basement. Looks like Tomlinson won't be holding out on his contract for more money any more, at least, until he finishes vaccuming and doing the dishes. There, he will operate the team "Farve4Ever!!1" where he hopes to capitalize on a high draft pick and go for the 6th consecutive "TOSA PRO'S N BRO'S!!" league title.
Everyone is excited for this new breed of football, which despite being much less athletic and skilled, will be full of fresh, hard working, and charismatic faces. None of the players will complain about anything because, well, they had to give up on their real football dreams years and years ago and made the switch over to fantasy football, where they can win at the sport without ever moving (some of the more obese FFL players will actually make good defensive tackles). Even the fraternity Lambda Lambda Lambda from 'Revenge of the Nerds' has gotten in on the fun. These fantasy studs have been tearing up the internet for so long, they've been chosen to replace one of the NFL's most succesful franchises, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and were even gifted with the Steelers' 2008 Lombardi Trophy (pictured left, despite the fact that Goodell had to pry it from Troy Polumalu's hair when Polumalu claimed it was "lost" and he "had never seen it").Marquette Student Forcefully Removed From British Open
Derrick O'Reilley, a MU senior in the College of Communications, who is currently studying abroad across the pond, was removed from the grounds of the British Open this afternoon. A PGA spokesperson said that O'Reilley gathered with a group of other specators and watched Tom Watson tee off during the four hole playoff Sunday afternoon. The spokesperson went on to say that after Watson's tee shot, O'Reilley slightly yelled "Get in the hole!" but he yelled it so unenthusiastically that he had to be removed from the course. PGA officials were disqusted with his lack of enthusiasm and told him to even go back to America while they verbally abused him for hours."I was pretty upset. Here I am, just a 21 year old student trying to experience life and this guy comes over and tells me I'm not yelling loud enough at a golf match?" O'Reilley said, "I suppose, it is a major, and its on TV, so they want ridiculousness for the ratings and such, but I'm a man of respect."
The PGA now wants you to know, when you yell "Get in the hole!" directly after a tee shot, you better mean it. Otherwise, you will be forcefully restrained, and forced to leave without even getting a chance to visit the 19th hole.
OJ Mayo Finally Admits To Accepting Gifts While At USC
All summer long, reports have surfaced that star NBA and former USC guard OJ Mayo (left) received payment and gifts during his brief year as a student athlete. Despite the original story that Mayo once called ex-coach Tim Floyd on his cellphone without any previous contact to tell him: "I'm showin' up. I'm playin' for you," allegations have said that Floyd made a direct payment to an associate of Mayo in order to recruit him to USC. Mayo and his agent have now produced a statement saying yes, those allegations are true, however, the gifts and payments in question were "gag gifts" that were involved in an elaborate series of pranks and jokes. Nothing of legitimate value outside of a joke shop was ever exchanged. There was no money, cars or televisions used to entice Mayo to sign with USC or to win games once at USC. The exchanges in question were just funny gifts, because Mayo is a fun-loving and quite the jokester."Hell no, I ain't takin cash from Timmy!" Mayo explained when cornered on the street. "One day he gave me some fake dog poo so I could prank some guys in their dorm room. Then I bought him a whoopee cushion to put under the athletic director's desk. That was hilarious! He also gave me a zombie hand for Halloween, I got a kick out of it. If you want to call that payments or gifts. Then that's cool, but it ain't nothin."
Nobody is quite sure if this is in violation of NCAA policies, but everything exchanged is now under question and the NCAA has seized the property involved. A few items from the very long list of gag gifts include: an authentic fart machine, multiple whoopee cushions, a Richard Nixon mask, a Bill Clinton mask, plastic bloody limbs, and something that is supposedly called "a jagon".
Since being fired due to these allegations, ex-coach Tim Floyd has refused to speak to the media but the Chicago Tribune has reported that he recently sent a pile of fake vomit in the mail to Bulls Chairman and former boss Jerry Reinsdorf. That'll show him.
